The ringing in my head


If you call my home phone, you are going to get voice mail. The house phone has become an ancient relic due to everyone using their cell phones. I’m seriously leaning toward getting rid of it because:

  • 95% of the calls are telemarketers
  • Usually the handsets are dead and lost in the couch

Incoming messages

This is the voice mail message I wish I could create:

I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m busy unstopping a toilet for the 3rd time today and my dog just threw up.

If you are a telemarketer, I appreciate your dedication to the job as you have been attempting to contact me 4 times a day for the last six months, but can’t you take a hint? I have caller ID and will never pick up the phone. Don’t make me answer it and hand it to my little girl who will sing Lady Gaga songs until you go away. I have no money to donate as I am currently undergoing counseling for distress caused by a constant phone ringing noise that is all your fault. Please leave me your home phone number so I can call you at dinner time to discuss medical reimbursement options.

If you are calling for one of my children, please text their cells. I’m pretty sure they don’t know how to answer a phone, since they never pick up when I call. This explains why they are coming to school in clothes that don’t fit since they ignored my call from the store when I needed to know the size. According to the data usage on my bill they are currently texting half of the population of the US, so if you don’t have the number, I’m sorry to inform you that you didn’t make the cut.

If you are the annoying friend that calls 10 times in a row if no one answers, I’m really disliking you at the moment because you woke up the baby from a rare monthly nap and my blissful peace has been disrupted. Please talk to your mother about phone etiquette and come over immediately to babysit.

If you are friends with my daughter, please be aware that her cell phone is taken away on a daily basis, and I don’t appreciate hearing the “da da ding” every 2 minutes as you frantically try to get in touch with her via text. When she does have her phone, it is like an extra appendage and she would be responding. Don’t make me text you back at 1am and lecture you on why you should be sleeping at this hour and how you are interrupting my five hours of beauty rest which may result in my scaring some small children at the bus stop this morning.

If you are calling me, call my cell phone. If I’m not in the middle of playing Diner Dash or posting goofy pictures to Facebook, I might answer. If you are my child’s school nurse notifying me that someone is faking sickness to come home, please inform them that I have a lot of cleaning to do. I have a feeling the illness will quickly disappear and P.E. will look more attractive.

That won’t fit

I can’t say all that in 10 seconds, so I think I will just leave “If you are interested in contacting anyone in this household, please go to for instructions.”


  1. As always, makes me smile Melinda. I got rid of my land line awhile ago. I mainly get texts from friends or they can Skype me if they are desperate 🙂
    When I was young (a loooong time ago) I used to spend hours on the phone. Now I much prefer meeting up with friends for a cuppa (that’s a cup of tea) and a chat.
    In Oz a lot of people are opting out of landlines as we seem to be a nation of mobile phone uses (cell phones as you call them).
    Patricia Perth Australia
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    • I think many people are dropping the land lines. I just worry that if for some bizarre reason in an emergency, if cell towers were down that I might need it. I guess that comes from living in hurricane territory. ha ha

  2. Melinda, you’re a hoot! Did you / do you do stand-up? I’m nearly choking on the coffee coming through my nose. Land mines (oops, land lines) are ATMS for the telcos.

    So are cell phones. But we gotta talk, right? I tried the Virgin Mobile Pay as you go when they were doing that Top-up shtick. We wound up with $80 worth of reserved minutes. I guess we shoulda let the kids use it, huh? 🙂


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    • lol one pays me for raving about all the benefits of having three kids, unless you count the tips I find in the laundry and inside the couch and that doesn’t even begin to pay for my Starbucks habit so I’m thinking I might need richer kids.

      I wish I could never talk on the phone but that leaves me email because I text to slow to tell the long drawn out details I tend to share and only my best friends can tolerate. My Dad will agree to that because he often has the misfortune of answering the phone while Mom is out and gets stuck listening..unless he laid the phone on the counter which I might not even notice.

  3. too funny!! we have the exact same problem here!! we did get rid of ours for a month or two but I was always afraid if we needed to call 911 that they couldn’t find us! so we just got a landline again, but they made us get a new phone number!

  4. Yet another one of your posts where I’m desperate to use some of these lines for myself! “This explains why they are coming to school in clothes that don’t fit since they ignored my call from the store when I needed to know the size.” looks like my winner this time. Inspired, and downright hilarious as always.
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  5. Very nice statements to record on voice mail, but too bad they won’t fit coz they’re quite long! I had a good time and lots of laughs/smiles here again in your blog today, Melinda. It’s true that most of us do have a cellphone and don’t use the landline much nowadays, but it is still important in any household. In times of emergency, cellphones don’t work (yes, it’s true) whereas a landline (usually) can provide great help.
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  6. Years ago I recorded a message on my home line that said, “hello…….hello….hello…..sorry it’s memorex goodbye!”
    Wow that po’d quite a few because they actually thought I could hear them so they’d go ahead and start talking before it said memorex. Well one day on my DAY OFF I let my memorex do the answering when my boss attempted to call me in to replace someone who had called in. Once he realized he wasn’t talking to me he waited till the he could record, told me what he wanted and said very rudely, “and take that D**n message off your machine”… ha ha ha jokes on him that day. But this coming from a guy I never heard curse, and was always more than appropriate. I always got a good laugh at some other messages left from that recording…
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  7. One of my favorite things to do with TM calls is to give them every possible rebuttal, but let them keep coming, then eventually say ok and go through the whole order process, but then give them made up cc numbers, and throw in a letter in the cc number. Like 5190 00W3 4567 8976

    Naturally, they will try to explain to you that the cc number doesn’t have letters. Once they say that, I absolutely insist that it does. Then I offer to use a different cc, and give them 15 digits instead of 16, and swear on my grandmother that my cc only has 15 digits.

    Eventually, they will get so aggravated that they hang up. Mind you, I only do this at home when I get calls, not in the office. To me B2B makes sense, businesses contacting businesses to create new clients. It is annoying at times, but I feel it is legitimate. At home is another matter, I just don’t agree with calling people at home selling whatever. I know it is legal, but so is abortion.
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