Next Thing I Knew A Ninja Was in my Cart

superhero KloutI’ve been busy running around fighting crime (who spilled the chips on the floor?) and performing amazing stunts like leaping over Lego towers in a single bound, or at least it seems so according to Klout’s misleading indication that I’m influential about superheros. This is both baffling and AWESOME. I’ll take it since that is about as close to cool as I will ever get.

Superheros like to surprise people with their grand entrance.

If only they knew about my genuine, official faux Wonder Woman swimsuit it would be worth +10 Klout at least. It pays to ooh and ahh over someone’s Facebook pictures. A friend had a picture of the swimsuit, and I went nuts over it. A few weeks later this amazing Justice League invitation was delivered by FEDEX. After giddily giggling like a small child finding a pony at the front door, I hid it away for the right moment of disclosure.

When I was in second grade I would bike to my friend Margot’s house to play super heros. She was always Wonder Woman and never gave me a turn. I bet Margot doesn’t have the real deal outfit. HA! I win…36 years later.

wonder woman swimsuit

Please don't touch it! It has the ultimate power of embarrassment and must be handled with extreme caution.

Finally the perfect day arrived, I excitedly prepared to present my alter ego. After squeezing and tucking myself into the less than flattering ensemble and being thankful that this didn’t have to take place in a cramped phone booth, I realized that the fantasy isn’t always the reality.

I encircled myself in a towel before tracking down the kids. First I ran into little one. After a quick glance, she squealed in delight. “Go show Sissy!”

She bound ahead of me and burst into the teen’s room announcing “Mom’s a superhero!! Look!” My thirteen year old slowly, uninterestedly looked up from her phone. Her “What?” look quickly turned into a speechless, shocked and horrified expression rolled into one. Priceless!

Leaning in the doorway I nonchalantly asked, “Want to go to the pool? I’m ready to go as soon as I can find where I parked the invisible plane.”

“OMG! Are you REALLY wearing that?!” she asked. Interpreted that meant “I can’t believe you would wear that but it is sort of cool in a really horrible, embarrassing way.”

“Are you kidding? I don’t have the headband and bracelets yet. I can’t be seen like this!”

Superheros must have a sidekick.

walmart trapI have a ninja that makes me smoothies every day, and that’s a perk of being a superhero. Batman had Robin, and now I have my Ninja.

Thanks to the $5 gift card inviting me to come see the new and improved Walmart, I entered with my school supply shopping list and two girls in tow. Obviously the new layout was designed by the same people that create the maze in casinos that get you trapped in there for hours without being able to find an exit. School supplies were scattered around the store in a way that made you feel like you were hunting down treasure. “Found the paper!” one child would scream from the towel isle.

ninjaThis is how I ended up in the shiny new appliance section obviously brainwashed into thinking I couldn’t live without a new blender. My daughter pointed at the higher end model with the cool name as she recited the infomercial word-for-word while animatedly demonstrating the advantages of three blades and sturdy construction. After assuring me she wasn’t getting a commission, the next thing I knew I had a Ninja in my cart.

Who doesn’t want to “Rule the Kitchen”? It’s a small price to pay for a new superpower.

Superheros belong in cartoons

superhero deskWhen I saw the picture “The Horror of the Corridor” (by John of Hypertransitory) I knew I had to have it. This is exactly how I feel when the kids are chasing me asking 15 questions at the same time, so I fondly refer to it as “Escape From The Kitchen”.

Every superhero needs to be in cartoon form above the headquarters of operations.

Oh I just heard the oven beep which could be the Justice League telling me I have a new mission.

Up up…and AWWAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!

Spreading Happiness One Wave At A Time

UPDATE: The Virtual Painting Heist of the Century fell apart on the way to the location due to:

  • Struggles over the radio controls
  • Whining “Are we there yet?” comments
  • A popcorn fight that required pulling over to the side of the road 3 times
  • A Krispy Kreme with the “Hot” light turned on

It was like taking twelve kids on a road trip. If you were waiting for the epic video, I apologize.

Excuses Excuses Excuses

Last week’s temporary insanity was directly related to Fuse’s week long Lady Gaga Marathon. My two Gaga-obsessed fans were hypnotized into watching the same videos over and over while I slowly emptied the Tylenol bottle.

Luckily Gagapolooza came to a screeching halt Monday night with

The Release of “Born This Way”

I feel like this picture.

When is the optimum time to rope off 1/2 of a Super Walmart to install new tile?

Obviously during Lady Gaga’s album release at midnight. Management must not be on Twitter.

The journey to the electronics department required navigating a maze of aisles blocked by either orange construction mesh or pallets of items for restocking. After passing the corn maze certification test, we found a group patiently browsing the DVDs and attempting to pretend they weren’t there for Lady Gaga. Is it embarrassing to like her if you are older than 22?

12:03 am and not a salesperson in sight

Just when it seemed hopeless, the bubble gum blowing college girl called the store and asked for the electronics department. GENIUS! We all giggled as the cashier seemed to appear out of nowhere and darted to grab the phone.

“Hello?” Hmmm…no one there.

Looking very puzzled, she noticed the large group staring at her.

“We are here for the new Lady Gaga album,” we announced.

“Who?” replied the cashier as she fumbled around behind the counter.

Nervously I looked for signs of my daughter’s “YOU DON’T KNOW WHO LADY GAGA IS?!?!!” rant which includes a 20 minute history of her career, a complete song list, and possibly a required video viewing from her iTouch. She’s a walking Gagapedia.

While paying for the limited edition, the Little Monster updated her Facebook status “GOT BORN THIS WAY!! 🙂 LADY GAGA!!”

Aaa…one of those touching moments that she will remember her whole life? Doubtful. A gain of Mom IOU points which come in handy when the dog throws up on the carpet? YES!

Remember when I took you to get the Lady Gaga CD at midnight?

Reinstating the Wave

Don’t ask why, but listening to Lady Gaga stirred up a memory of the old school hip hop move…The Wave. Remember it? Here’s a refresher: (Go to min 1:00 unless you are practicing it which is totally understandable because I couldn’t resist either.)

At least in my experience, dancers would do the wave toward another dancer…the signal that it was their turn to show off some break dancing moves. A cool “It’s your turn” if you will.

As I demonstrated the move, I explained to my daughter that I was passing her the wave and to catch it.

“Mom! Stop! That’s so embarrassing!”

She always says that when it’s just the two of us in the house…like someone is watching from a satellite with x-ray vision and they are going to post it on Facebook.

After passing her 20 unreturned waves throughout the day, it grew on her, and I caught both girls trying it out.

That’s when I got a brilliant idea

At the stoplight on the way to school I mentioned how giving someone the wave might make their day. She disagreed, so I passed her a wave and she laughed. Point proven.

Imagine…

Impatiently sitting at a stoplight after a bad day at work, Bob happens to look over at the crazy lady (me) in the car next to him and notices she is dancing in her seat (yes I do this…please still like me). She turns to look at Bob and passes the wave.

I’m thinking Bob catches it and dances with his hands in the air, and three lights down, he passes it on.

We could change the world one WAVE at a time

Soul Train Dancer Wannabe

Growing up during the exciting emergence of old school hip hop, I fondly remember the very first 45 record I bought with my own money: Double Dutch Bus. Hold on, I have to sing a few lines…

…There’s a double dutch bus comin’ down the street
Movin’ pretty fast, so kinda shuffle your feet…

Good times.

I looked forward to Saturday morning’s Soul Train and danced around the living room and down a pretend line of observers cheering me on.

Yes I have done break dancing…sort of

Ok not the spin on your head kind. A close friend of mine was (and still is) a rockin’ DJ who was a dancer in the only white break dancing group I knew of in the area. We’re talking the Grandmaster Flash days! There is a lot of pressure when your dance partner is that good, so I actually learned enough of the robot, cabbage patch, and running man to spoof them along with 2 other girls for a church youth group talent show. Strangely enough that never came up as a required skill in a job interview.

My kids wonder why I score so high on those moves on the Kinect dancing game. Shh…secret.

I love dancing! I could care less if I was the only white, female, over-40 dancer in the hip hop club. Doesn’t bother me.

So you can imagine how I am at home with no inhibitions. I drive my kids crazy blasting the stereo and dancing away…even while vacuuming. I yank the kids up off the couch to forcibly participate. If they play a song I like in their room, I bust through the door with a Soul-Train-type entrance. Unfortunately I get about 5 steps in before they shove me out. They can’t possibly appreciate talent like that when they see it.

So when my daughter showed me this commercial…I realized I missed my calling and should have developed my “talent” into becoming an advertising genius because this woman is me! Well not really me, but like me at home for sure if there was a hidden camera. Technically-speaking my daughter has video proof on her phone, but she knows if that circulates into the public eye, the phone is a goner. I got bids from family members on Facebook for it. Evil! Let’s just say it looks a bit like this:

Love Snoop Dog!



My kids have banned me from chaperoning any school dances, knowing that I would not be able to resist the temptation to break a move on the dance floor. Hip hop is 80% of the music in my car. Don’t worry…I have kids-in-the-car versions. My dream job would have to be working for Jay-Z.

What was the first song or album you purchased?

Did anyone else have Double Dutch Bus? Raise your hand proudly!