Next Thing I Knew A Ninja Was in my Cart

superhero KloutI’ve been busy running around fighting crime (who spilled the chips on the floor?) and performing amazing stunts like leaping over Lego towers in a single bound, or at least it seems so according to Klout’s misleading indication that I’m influential about superheros. This is both baffling and AWESOME. I’ll take it since that is about as close to cool as I will ever get.

Superheros like to surprise people with their grand entrance.

If only they knew about my genuine, official faux Wonder Woman swimsuit it would be worth +10 Klout at least. It pays to ooh and ahh over someone’s Facebook pictures. A friend had a picture of the swimsuit, and I went nuts over it. A few weeks later this amazing Justice League invitation was delivered by FEDEX. After giddily giggling like a small child finding a pony at the front door, I hid it away for the right moment of disclosure.

When I was in second grade I would bike to my friend Margot’s house to play super heros. She was always Wonder Woman and never gave me a turn. I bet Margot doesn’t have the real deal outfit. HA! I win…36 years later.

wonder woman swimsuit

Please don't touch it! It has the ultimate power of embarrassment and must be handled with extreme caution.

Finally the perfect day arrived, I excitedly prepared to present my alter ego. After squeezing and tucking myself into the less than flattering ensemble and being thankful that this didn’t have to take place in a cramped phone booth, I realized that the fantasy isn’t always the reality.

I encircled myself in a towel before tracking down the kids. First I ran into little one. After a quick glance, she squealed in delight. “Go show Sissy!”

She bound ahead of me and burst into the teen’s room announcing “Mom’s a superhero!! Look!” My thirteen year old slowly, uninterestedly looked up from her phone. Her “What?” look quickly turned into a speechless, shocked and horrified expression rolled into one. Priceless!

Leaning in the doorway I nonchalantly asked, “Want to go to the pool? I’m ready to go as soon as I can find where I parked the invisible plane.”

“OMG! Are you REALLY wearing that?!” she asked. Interpreted that meant “I can’t believe you would wear that but it is sort of cool in a really horrible, embarrassing way.”

“Are you kidding? I don’t have the headband and bracelets yet. I can’t be seen like this!”

Superheros must have a sidekick.

walmart trapI have a ninja that makes me smoothies every day, and that’s a perk of being a superhero. Batman had Robin, and now I have my Ninja.

Thanks to the $5 gift card inviting me to come see the new and improved Walmart, I entered with my school supply shopping list and two girls in tow. Obviously the new layout was designed by the same people that create the maze in casinos that get you trapped in there for hours without being able to find an exit. School supplies were scattered around the store in a way that made you feel like you were hunting down treasure. “Found the paper!” one child would scream from the towel isle.

ninjaThis is how I ended up in the shiny new appliance section obviously brainwashed into thinking I couldn’t live without a new blender. My daughter pointed at the higher end model with the cool name as she recited the infomercial word-for-word while animatedly demonstrating the advantages of three blades and sturdy construction. After assuring me she wasn’t getting a commission, the next thing I knew I had a Ninja in my cart.

Who doesn’t want to “Rule the Kitchen”? It’s a small price to pay for a new superpower.

Superheros belong in cartoons

superhero deskWhen I saw the picture “The Horror of the Corridor” (by John of Hypertransitory) I knew I had to have it. This is exactly how I feel when the kids are chasing me asking 15 questions at the same time, so I fondly refer to it as “Escape From The Kitchen”.

Every superhero needs to be in cartoon form above the headquarters of operations.

Oh I just heard the oven beep which could be the Justice League telling me I have a new mission.