There’s nothing like a new bra to boost the confidence, so I hopped in the car armed with my $10 off any bra coupon and excitedly headed to Victoria’s Secret where I am a proud Angel card carrier thank you very much. That is just because I’m cheap and want the coupons.

My kids refuse to step foot in this store because they find it completely embarrassing and wait outside. Not wanting to make the news in a story about how my children were abducted while I was trying on bras, I went solo. Just mentioning the word “bra” sends my daughter into hiding, so she’s going to be horrified by this whole story when she reads it.

The choices are overwhelming, and I wander around until the saleslady asks if she can help. Since I don’t know what size I am because that fluctuates based on how much candy corn and chocolate I’ve indulged in on a weekly basis, I succumb to her evil measuring tape.

They insist on measuring you right smack dab in the center of the store and yelling out the size for all to hear. I wanted to look around and ask “Did you get that or should she repeat it?” If this is a sales tactic it didn’t work. It made me want to run out of the store with my sunglasses on, and I’m not a shy person. I argued that her measuring tape was off, but she wasn’t listening. She was already on her way to make recommendations.

Hypnotized by the strong perfume smell, I blindly follow her to the push up bra section. She loads me up with 3 “sexy” bras before I could say “This isn’t really what I’m looking for because I’m more of a t-shirt and sweats type of girl”, and two minutes later I find myself standing in a dimly lit dressing room with a bra that looks like it belongs in a brothel. I could hardly see a thing, but maybe that is for my own protection.

Secret #1: What they don’t tell you is the push-up is just a fancier version of stuffing wads of toilet paper in your bra which I remember doing as a teen until it fell out one day and I had to pretend to have a cold while lop-sided. It only takes one time to learn that lesson. Plus there is too much pressure during the rainy season or sweating in PE which can have less than fabulous results on your figure.

Staring at my image in the mirror, I realize this looks nothing like it does on the model in the giant wall size photos all over the store. False advertising! Does this come with that body, too? Because I’m willing to pay extra for a size 6. They should use some really ugly people in the ads so you will look in the mirror and say, wow I look way better than the model. Now that would work!

Secret #2: Ah ha!! The dark room is so you don’t notice that you were not instantly transformed into an Angel.

Carefully dodging the pushy sales lady, I return to the sales floor to look on my own for other choices. That’s went I noticed there are three types of men in VS:

• The uncomfortable ones

  “I don’t want to be standing in a sea of underwear” types that have been forced to wait for their partners while they are in the dressing rooms. They are staring at the ceiling.

• Kid in the candy store

  The excited boyfriend type that can’t contain his excitement over a see-through nightgown, and is actually embarrassing his girlfriend. He can’t stop talking about how he would love to see her cooking breakfast in it, and you get the feeling he’s going to be single shortly after the mall trip.

• The Creepy ones

  Lurking about the store solo, they are checking out which size drawer you are picking from. I throw those off by opening several drawers and selecting 5 different sizes.

They could do us all a favor and ban men from this store.

Now loaded with 15 choices, most not in my size, I’m confident that I have confused the creeps who are now drooling over the wall posters, and I head back into the dressing room. The results were the same.

The biggest secret of all

I left VS empty handed but confident in the knowledge that Victoria’s secret is airbrushing.