Due to the fact that snake pictures creep me out...here is a hoe for your viewing pleasure.
I use to have such vivid nightmares about snakes being in the house that I would freak out when I woke up and rubbed a bump in the sheets with my foot.
Snakes keep visiting me…
Having learned of my extreme dislike of their species, I can only assume I am the target of a “Make Peace with Humans” campaign the neighborhood snakes are promoting. They are convinced I can be converted to a snake-lover. They are so wrong.
Snake number 1
Walking into the laundry room to check on the clothes, I found myself standing barefoot next to a baby rattlesnake. He was sitting right by the door to the garage. I carefully leaned over to reach the door and opened it slowly, and he obliged and exited peacefully. He may have left some tiny brochures about how snakes are my friend, but I was too panicked to notice. I couldn’t rest knowing that thing was in the garage, so the mother-hen instinct kicked in. I was instantly transformed into a superhero armed with a hoe, only I was missing the cool cape and bravery. Facing my worst fear, I was terrified.
I took a whack at it and missed. It curled and warned me with a chill-inducing hiss. I missed about 30 more times. It was at this point that I realized why I never played sports. I made a mental note that a trip to the batting cage might come in handy one day. Finally…I got it. Grossed out, freaked out, and covered with goosebumps, I managed to balance it on the end of the hoe so I could toss it in the front yard bushes.
I walked 2 steps and the thing moved. I screamed, dropped the hoe, and backed up 6 feet. It was alive! After making careful observations for a few minutes, I realized I was shaking so much that I shook the hoe, which in turn shook the snake. After repeating this episode two more times (each time convinced it was alive again), I finally made it to the bushes. I curiously looked up and down the street to see if any neighbors witnessed the display of hysterics. No one in sight.
For three weeks I jumped out of my skin if anything lying on the floor even remotely resembled a snake. Belts and black pieces of string were outlawed.
Snake #2
Life went on and I forgot about the incident. That is until snake number two was discovered balanced on the edge of the kid’s bathtub. Another baby poisonous snake bit the dust that day. Hey! I’m pretty good at this now. I was fine until I was giving the little one a bath in that very bathtub an hour later, and the other kids decided it would be funny to yell “Look! A snake!” every few minutes until I almost had a nervous breakdown.
The antics continued for many days with the kids’ leaving their assortment of plastic snakes in various locations around the house to surprise me. After three near heart attacks, plastic snake-like creatures were disposed of and banned.
Confident that statistics were on my side, life continued with no more worries. Unbeknownst to me, the snake committee was busy commissioning a third visit.
Snake #3
OK enough already! I need my own Discovery Channel show, but they turned me down citing that “Mom vs. Rattlesnake” is more of a comedy than a drama.
I opened the dishwasher to find number three sitting on the inside of the door. Not caring if every piece of tile in my kitchen was chopped to pieces, I had to get the snake in order to avoid shopping for a new house.
Snake prevention
The kids were constantly lectured on the dangers of leaving the door to the garage open for over 5 seconds. If I had a dollar for every time I screamed “Don’t leave that door open! A snake can crawl in!” I would be able to afford a full-time guard whose sole job would be to keep snakes from getting inside.
Three snakes in the house! OK, surely the snake committee took the hint that I was not a candidate for conversion.
Snake #4
The snake incident memories faded once again over time. Until the day I saw something on my daughter’s floor that made me cringe in horror. The shed skin of a snake in the middle of her floor. AAAAAAAAAA! It must be living under her bed. My daughter loves reptiles and has lizards that shed, so I called for her professional opinion. She agreed it was a skin, and neither one of us was brave enough to get closer than 8 feet from it.
For the next half an hour, the house was in a mom-induced panic. Everyone was instructed to quickly get all their belongings off the floor due to the impending snake hunt. Mentally I was already making preparations for moving to a hotel for the night and calling in an expert to hunt it down. This can’t be! Snake number four is statistically impossible. I don’t know anyone that’s even had one in their home. It is so unfair! Why me?! Where do we even begin to look? What state doesn’t have snakes because I’m moving there immediately.
Snake identification
The kids were standing on a bed protecting the baby while watching for the snake. I was patrolling the house with the hoe in hand and wearing my old duck boots for protection. This event was different…I have no idea where the creature is hiding.
I decided to be brave and take a closer look at the snake skin to see if I could identify a pattern on it. I had to know if I was dealing with a rattlesnake again. Oh…the things moms do. While approaching it with caution, my eyes were wildly darting from side to side looking for any signs of movement.
As I got closer, the skin began to look strangely familiar. When I saw what it was I screamed out for my daughter to come immediately. The “snake skin” was only a thin strip of corrugated cardboard she had cut while doing one of her crazy tape/cardboard construction projects (a story for another day). The corrugation looked like a diamond pattern from a distance.
Phew that was a relief. I called off the search, and we all had a nervous laugh.
Two days later I found the door to the garage sitting wide open again.
It’s OK. I dare them to send another one into my house.
Of I ever think of moving away from New England, I will think of this post and nail my feet to the floor…..yikes!
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Twitter: findingthehumor
says:
HA HA..wait a second…you don’t have snakes there?
Ah, Melinda, your blog has truly earned its moniker. I, for one, don’t see a darned thing funny about all critters, great and small. Especially small. Small and furry.
The cardboard “snakeskin” really resonated with me: when I was a mere pup, my dad (!) sent me into the house to sweep up a dead mouse.
Long story short (Veni Vidi Vici style) – I was terrified, I approached the darkened stairwell with a broom, I swept up a … dried leaf!
From that day, to this, I am abnormally terrified of mice. This terror is responsible for my “Anklebuster” nickname, as you may know.
(See, not everything can be blamed on mothers.)
Cheers,
Mitch
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Twitter: findingthehumor
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Ha ha a leaf! That is great! I didn’t know that is where the name came from.
Never mind about moving house; I would be moving states or even to another country!!! I so would have freaked if I even knew there were rattlesnakes within a 100 mile radius.
In our suburbs we don’t really see snakes but when our suburb still had a lot of bush there were lizards and goannas around. My brother and I wanted them inside as pets but my Mother would never agree. She thought she saw a snake one day and got the neighbour to come get it out of the garage as my Dad was at work. She was horrified that he didn’t kill it but took it back up the bush where it should have been living. It was only a lizard but she still wasn’t impressed lol
We get snakes in the countryside but I’ve not seen one for many years and it was only a dead one on the road. Must have got run over while out getting a suntan.
You were very brave Melinda. This is so not funny…..except the end.
Patricia Perth Australia
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I don’t like to kill them, but in my house is a different story. I can’t believe we were afraid of a piece of cardboard.
I have to say, a good half or more of the “rattlesnakes” that people find around their homes and go chopping after are not at all rattlesnakes, even though they may look like it to those who don’t want to take the time to look.
As someone who works with rattlesnakes and home owners every day, I can say that you’d do much better to learn why they keep visiting you, rather than hack up the wildlife. They are coming for a reason; you are either providing food, water, and shelter, and doing nothing for your safety by killing the poor little guys.
Twitter: findingthehumor
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Sorry but with small children in the house, the snake loses when it comes inside. I live on ex-swampland and have a stream behind me housing a 8-10 foot alligator (there is at least one per block in my neighborhood) who has wandered through the yard a few times….and some giant rattlesnakes. I stay friends with the black racers to help keep them away. One black racer has lived in my front flower bed for years, and I had to get over him scaring me occasionally as I have to jump over him on the way to the mailbox. I assume the rattlesnake babies are seeking shade from the hot FL sun in the garage, feel the A/C when the kids leave the door open, and come in for cool air. Funny because I’ve never had a racer come inside even though they live right by the door.
Eek! You aren’t alone Melinda! I hate snakes, roaches and mice. And we have had incidences of ALL 3 here at our home. It’s enough to give me palpitations and reduce me to a sleepless, paranoid, bordering-on-psycho mama! Thank goodness, the 2 times we’ve had snakes come inside the house, I wasn’t the one to see them. I’d have fainted and it would’ve bit me and well then, what good would that have done me?
It’s the reason why I’ve been known to remind everyone to please make sure the doors leading outdoors are always closed. And why our bedroom door is permanently closed. LOL. Crazy much?
I don’t like snakes, but not to the point I hate them. Maybe if I got bitten by one, I would. Even though you don’t like them, I commend you for not killing them when they’ve come into your home, let alone rattlesnakes!
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NOOOOO WAY! As a lifelong Chicagoan, the only snakes I’m used to are the human variety. I’m not sure I could live anywhere that snakes were outside the door or, worse, coming in the house. Poisonous spiders and those scorpion things also scare me to death, too.
I admire your bravery because I’d be outta there! I suppose we get used to the local critters although I’m really thankful now that the worst thing we ever have a problem with is mice every couple of years invading the entire neighborhood. I had someone come out and check every nook and cranny, crack and everything and we thought we had everything sealed up, but they still find their way in once in a while. I consider them home invaders so whatever consequences they suffer is their own fault. You don’t see me trying to climb into mouse holes outside…:)
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I was reading in the brochure where they reminded us of how they love inexperienced hoe’s.
Omg…you and my mother with the windows and doors. She panics too I guess it’s because we too found a couple of snakes in the house over the years. And they like the heat from places like the refridge and dryer vents and hoses. But lawdy lawdy even today she’s like close that door fore a snake gets in here. Poor house has not been able to breath for 50 yrs. No windows left up nada…Truth be told I hear her patting something sometimes, well the first time I was like what are you doing? (She was pounding on the couch where she sits and doing so with force) I’m like ma what’s up? I thought I felt something move under me..’oh ma it’s nothing ma I’m sure the couch is just settling a little’… lmbo.. She’s like no there was something in there, prolly a snake…ugh she says..
Oh I fogot to mention that she can spot them a mile away too. She stands at the window when she smokes, then and only then can the window be allowed cracked open. But she’ll say ‘Bubby come here’,.. what ma? Is that a snake out there in the yard. Uh know ma it’s a stick. Are you sure she says (as this is a often occurence event) and I’ll say no ma it’s a stick.. her: Well I’m sure I seen it move I coulda swore it was a snake, I didn’t see it there yesterday. I said no ma it wasn’t on the sidewalk yesterday it was in the yard, remember.. oh shut up she’ll say, you know there’s snakes out there somewhere!
all I can do is shake my head.
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Twitter: findingthehumor
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LOL! That is hysterical. I love that you totally wrote that with an accent..I could just hear her talking.
Melinda recently posted..Gratitude
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I really enjoyed reading this post. I also have an extreme phobia with snakes and I don’t know if I will be able to fight this fear. I just hope I will not die with a snake venom or else I would protest afterlife and kill all the snakes in the world.