Yes I'm embarrased to admit I scanned this from my very own copy of the Official Preppy Handbook. Not only did I own it, but I colored it in according to the directions which means I actually read it. Why did we think this was a good look?

I have a theory on how the preppy thing started.

A rich fashion-designer-type is sitting around his posh home sipping a brandy when his poodle throws up some crushed florescent crayons on an imported corduroy rug and inspires the Spring collection. We have Rover to thank for looking ridiculous for years.

Signs of Preppiness…

Bear with me on the real awkward photos of me that follow. I’m sure it was just bad lighting and Photoshop didn’t exist yet. Be gentle.

Corduroy Pants

If your florescent green wide corduroy pants caused the cones in your classmate’s retina to scream and shut down in color overload, your popularity was practically guaranteed to increase tenfold.

Animal logos

The Izod alligator was the badge of coolness. Higher than the alligator on the fashion evolutionary scale was the horse, and the smell of the guys’ Polo cologne filled the hallways thanks to Ralph Lauren.

Calvin Klein, Jordache & Gloria Vanderbilt jeans

(This is not me…it’s Brooke Shields in case you were confused.)
Who doesn’t remember the famous line?

If you didn’t have to lie flat, struggle, tug and then finish with hopping around to squeeze in them, your jeans weren’t tight enough. OK now I feel guilty for complaining about my daughter’s skater jeans and see I’m getting payback.

Recently my mother arrived at my house with a surprise. My old pair of Jordache jeans that I had painstakingly sewed up the inseam to make them tighter. *Deep sigh* A treasure that my not-impressed-with-the-vintage-jeans daughter tossed off to the side. How dare she! They sit patiently on my dresser in the hopes that one day I can fit more than my arm in there and re-live the magic.

The add-a-bead necklace

I dare you to question their authenticity.

While the rich kids paraded around with 3 strands filled to the clasp with the large mm beads, there I was with my 3-5 measly 3mm and 5mm beads that were so small you needed a microscope to see them.

That’s when you mistakenly fall into the fake add-a-bead necklace trap. Look! I have 23 large beads. Yes they are turning green but just look at ‘em!

Who needs good hair when you have what is really important...the real add-a-beads (the shorter smaller necklace) and the fake ones and my only preppy shirt. I would have worn this every day if I could have. Thank goodness for slow laundry turnover.

The real thing out of reach price-wise, preppy status was looking unattainable. Then it happened. The day I found one green Polo shirt hidden deep within the racks. I practically screamed in delight and ignored the tiny hole under the sleeve! It became my prized possession. Making the most of it, I wore it twice a week – Mondays and Thursdays – as well as in every photograph for the next two years. Just because it was long sleeve didn’t stop me from wearing in in 78 degree humidity. Something about wearing that horse made you feel like you were sitting high in the saddle, and it was always a great day.

Bermuda Bags

These are still popular and even cuter today. Photo credit to Allaboutyoudesign.com where you can buy them. Now I want one!

Monograms

Everything could be propelled to an even cooler status if they were embroidered with your initials. This was a problem. I don’t have a middle name. Really. My mother explained the reason behind this was because she went by her middle name, but was constantly called her first name. To avoid such confusion, she didn’t give people any choice but to call me Melinda. Thank goodness I wasn’t the product of celebrities and stuck with Zuzu.

This was an issue when having a sweater embroidered since 2 initials throws the monogram off balance. After learning that lesson with a sweater, I opted to ditch the initials on my purse cover.

The Baseball Shirt

The baseball t-shirt. Always look fashionable while tangled in a phone cord.

Penny Loafers, Duck Shoes, Leather Moccasins and Sperry Topsiders

It’s hard to tell in the picture, but I’m wearing penny loafers. You never know when a penny is going to come in handy, and you conveniently have 2! That’s practically 1/4 of a gumball.

Under my only cable cardigan? Oh there's that green shirt again. Again it's all about distracting from the bad hair.

The IZOD shirt. The hair got better eventually. I just felt I had to prove it.

The only thing worse than growing up in this label-conscious society was not being ridiculously wealthly during it. It didn’t really bother me that I didn’t have $1000s to spend on my school wardrobe like so many of my friends who had a closet full of the “in” clothes with the tags still on. That just made my few items I did have worth that much more to me. I appreciated what I had and looking back my parents taught me a valuable lesson about fads. Don’t get sucked into them. It’s a waste of money. This is why I love consignment stores and the thrill of the hunt.

Today’s Preppy

Out shopping for clothes for my son’s birthday, my soon-to-be-fourteen-year-old daughter mentioned “Hot Topic” people. I listened and learned how teens that wear Hollister and Aeropostale clothes are the preppy equivalent of today.

“Preppy” people apparently have no business stepping foot into Hot Topic which is reserved for the hard core music fans of the music of Lady Gaga, Falling in Reverse, Asking Alexandria, Black Veil Brides, and other bands that I couldn’t spell. She considers it “cheating” on Hot Topic to walk into Hollister. The only exception to this rule is you might have to go there to a preppy store to purchase brightly colored pants which are all the rage. Hmm…that sounds scarily familiar. They come in green and pink, too. *Flashback*

I’m told it is all about being bright and colorful or going completely opposite by wearing all black.

As we approached Hot Topic, she began salivating at the thought of what’s new in there.

“Sorry we can’t go in there,” I said.

“What?! Why not? I want to see if they have new Lady Gaga shirts.”

“Your rules. Excuse me but, YOU’RE wearing Hollister.”

She looks down and screams “Ahh!”

I didn’t really get a good feel for what is Hot Topicish and what is preppy as it all seems to be mixed together to me. Perhaps if they had the updated version of the Preppy Handbook, things would be clearer.

Were you in school during the preppy era?
Did you have this book?

According to all the 1970′s cop shows I watched as a kid, it helps while on a stakeout. Keeping a watchful eye out for the “perp”, I anxiously awaited her capture so I could make the call to get an ID.

You know I’m all about slapping on a sticker badge and calling myself Sheriff of the yard. All that Starsky and Hutch viewing was going to pay off.

Entrance to the hideout in an overgrown thorny corner

Each day at dusk, the kids and I would spot her and two other gang members sneaking across the yard by the fence line in a covert fashion. Over the past two months, she’s been seen stealing food from all corners of the neighborhood while slyly alluding capture.

No matter how quietly I opened the sliding glass door to the backyard, she heard it and bolted to the safety of the new hideout in the conservation area behind my house. Thorns and overgrown brush that once stopped the teenagers from using is as a path are no deterrent for these seasoned adventurers. Having the time of her life, she isn’t ready to give up this freedom she’s been enjoying during her mid-life crisis.

Old decaying fence gate leaves a huge opening welcoming critters.

My home sits on what was swampland thirty years ago. Just beyond the useless fence is a rough conservation area complete with a small body of water and a ten foot alligator that I occasionally hear crying out for a mate. His cries sound more like an angry lion so I don’t know how that’s working out for him.

This is also home to countless rattlesnakes, racoons, and armadillos. Welcome to wild kingdom. Hold on while I change into some Jack Hanna safari gear.

Mugshot

The Runaway

The perp: Lily. My friend’s beautiful black cat

Answers to: Nothing.

Afraid of: Everything that isn’t adventure – especially fake animal trappers.

Problem: She’s hanging out with 2 other black cats. Who doesn’t want to stay with their friends?

Doesn’t she just look like she is up to something?

The Sighting

I know it is bad luck to have a black cat cross your path but what if you have 4 wandering around your yard. (I’m throwing my next door neighbor’s black cat into the count here.) Is that exponential?

My daughter spotted the gang first, so I ran outside and called Lily’s name. There she sat at the opening to the hangout looking at me. Attempts to coax her to the bowl of dog food I had in my hand only led her to take a small step toward me. She nervously looked over her shoulder as if to say, “I’ve gotta go…my friends are waiting and I’m going to miss the mouse hunt.” Eventually she disappeared.

The Animal Catcher 2000

This sighting led to the trap being set at my house. Before the PETA people rage on, it is a humane trap. Baited and set, we waited until dusk when the gang sets out on their nightly escapades.

Caught!

Coming to check on the trap, my friend announced “We have a cat, but I need a flashlight.” It was very dark in the corner of the yard, and the cat was hissing. A few feet away in a pile of brush we heard a lot of commotion and guessed her friends must have been freaking out over the situation and hatching a plan for springing her from the trap. I think I caught a glimpse of a hat with a “no cat left behind” motto.

Turns out it was the wrong cat. She was released and the trap was reset.

Wait that’s not a cat

An hour later I broke into the emergency hurricane kit supplies to get a working flashlight and ventured out to check the trap. Something was growling and moving frantically in the cage. Shining the light, I was met with the glowing eyes of a wild animal. A raccoon. He wasn’t much bigger than a baby, but he snarled and growled as I approached.

At this point I questioned my choice of trapping attire which was shorts and flip flops and imagined it being released only to turn and bite my leg.

Not having opened the trap myself, I had to fidget a bit to figure it out. Meanwhile he jumped at me in an attempt to bite me, and I was thankful there was metal between us. I’m not sure who was more scared.

Never attempt negotiations with a wild animal. In a sweet, calm voice I explained to him that I was getting him out of there. He wasn’t listening and continued jumping at me while growling which cause me to jump back every time and scream. We continued this dance for several minutes.

They look so sweet in the daytime.

Twenty minutes later I was releasing him AGAIN. This time he was REALLY ANGRY. I had the door propped open and he didn’t even notice. I shined the light in his face and explained the door was open after lecturing him on not learning his lesson the first time. Being the rebel he was, he continued to hiss and growl…then it changed to a babyish feel-sorry-for-me whine. At this point I had to guess he didn’t understand English, baby talk, or terror-induced screaming. Once he finally turned his head to see he was free, he was gone in a flash.

Not being able to handle anymore heart throbbing excitement, I shut down the operation for the evening.

I’m switching to day trapping only. It’s scary walking into my backyard at night, and I just can’t take the “guess what’s in the trap” game again. My friend said so far they have caught many cats, an armadillo, and now you can add racoons to the list.

Oh Lily…just go home.

Back to duty.
Trapper Melinda

PS: Update: After catching the third raccoon (this time a bigger one), Operation Find Lily was officially cancelled due to I might have a heart attack if I have to release another wild animal. You won’t see me working at Busch Gardens anytime soon.

PPS: It could have been worse. It could have been a relative of the cat, the bobcat which has been seen several times in my yard.

My son wasn’t even two when he first began using a computer. Easily navigating his educational game with the mouse while I cooked dinner, his only limitation seemed to be his size. He fell off the computer chair and busted his lip. Now almost 17, he can host his own server for online games and other technical marvels I can only admire in wonder.

My thirteen year old musician’s room houses a massive collection of electronic wires running from various instruments through an amp or mixing board and into the computer where she creates her own songs. Clipping, adding effects, and mixing sounds are simple to her.

Then there is my little six year old who has advanced skills when it comes to the workings of my iPhone. She enjoys recording audio clips on it in the car (I didn’t know it did that), and more than once I have come to her for advice.

My house is bursting with knowledge of all things electronic.

This is why it’s so hard for me to understand why it is the simple things that leave them staring blankly…

How does this thing work? Where is the plug?

The twisty tie on the bread bag is apparently complicated. I feel so smart that I know how to use it.

Two weeks earlier…

Innocently hanging out at my computer working, I was unaware that the bug man had arrived and was working his way around to the back of the house.

Next to me is a sliding glass door that leads to the porch. Despite the lack of view, I opened the shades to enjoy the beautiful day.

Suddenly he appeared at the door. We both jumped and I ran out of the room mortified. Much to my relief, he didn’t knock on the door once he was done and instead left the bill on my door.

Important lessons were learned that day:

1. Call before you spray a person’s house
2. Don’t sit by the window wearing this…(see below)

This must have been how I looked. Surprised.

A HUGE thanks to Brian from Unintimidated by Convention for nominating me for the Versatile Blogger Award. I greatly appreciate your thinking about me, Brian!

I’m guessing there are always nominations and no winners…so we are all winners. Regardless I’m all about starting out the new year with an award! WHOOO HOOOO!! Hold on while I switch to a fancy evening gown to accept it.

When you get the prestigious Versatile Blogger award, you have to:

1) Nominate 15 other bloggers. (Who is counting? I’d like to see them try to pry this award out of my hands for breaking rules.)
2) Inform them of the nomination.
3) Share 7 random things about yourself
4) Thank the blogger who nominated you
5) Add the Versatile Blogger logo to your post

My Nominations in no particular order except Alphabetical

Conjuring My Muse – Not only am I a huge fan of Margaret’s book The Benefactor, she writes a fun blog that I can relate too, except for the workout motivation part. I’m anxiously and impatiently awaiting her next novel…is it done yet? Is it done yet?

Courageously Creative – Brilliant painter by day, creative blogger by night. I’m a huge fan of David’s thought provoking posts, and it isn’t just because he’s married to my dearest cousin that I used to spend weeks with each summer. Sorry David…the secret is out. You have to claim me.

Good Day Regular People – Alexandra, better known as The Empress, is the best. She’s all over the place, so often her posts point you to one of her many guest posts on another blog. She is the most giving person and spends most of her time promoting other bloggers. I was lucky enough to be featured on her blog one day which caused me to wonder why my traffic went completely crazy. She has that kind of magic.

Guilty Squid – She’s always on my top blog list, and she was one of the very first bloggers I started following. Not in a stalking way…in a reading way. She’s a hoot.

Hypertransitory – John is not only super talented at drawing comics, he’s very creative and funny. I’m in awe at his photoshop talents. I love that he occasionally shares “behind the scenes” videos of how he creates his art.

I’m Just Sharing – Mitch always has interesting conversations about a wide range of topics going on at his blog. I always walk away learning something new.

In Pursuit of It All – One of my favorite bloggers who always makes me smile. I’m a proud owner of a coffee mug from her original blog In Pursuit of Martha Points because I get +10 pts just for making coffee! Grab a box of tissue and watch her “Red Underwear” speech at BlogHer 11. It is my favorite story EVER and you won’t regret it. Alexandra is one of the speakers, too, and is hysterical!

Kelley’s Breakroom – Love her!! She makes me cry laughing. One of the most creative bloggers I’ve come across. She’s all over the place and does it hysterically.

Mostly Bright Ideas – I think Charles has received this award numerous times. He even hit the front page of WordPress.com with his blog…twice! He always offers a brilliant, humorous flashback to childhood that is as precious as an old photo.

Morpho Designs – Besides trying to make me look up words I don’t know in the dictionary, Mitch has been busy writing poetry in addition to the wide range of topics he offers on his blog. It’s always an education. Thanks Mitch for being such a HUGE supporter of my blog. I’m extremely grateful.

Simple Lift Prattle – Allan serves up a little of everything on his blog. Lately it has been making me feel very guilty for being such a bad handy woman as he’s been busy with some house projects that look amazing. I can’t begin to thank him for all the support he has given me over the last year. He rocks!

Telling Dad – What can I say? He’s just pure entertainment, so check him out. His hat? That just shows you how being uncool can be oh so cool.

The Meanest Mom – The first blog I religiously read on a daily basis. She is the funniest. She lives near me in Florida, so I can really related to her experiences moving down here from up North. Florida has some kookie stuff going on.

Seven things about me

1. I think I’m a better at leaving comments than writing a blog. If only that was a profession.
2. 

   Photo credited to creativejewishmom.com

   I once attended a Japanese family’s New Year’s celebration dinner where a whole entire fish was the centerpiece. You know…one with the eyeball still in it. The thought of it still creeps me out since it stared at me all through dinner.
3. I hate glitter. It gets on everything and I find it on my face weeks later. Christmas craft projects are covered it in. Luckily things with glitter tend to disappear from my house like magic. I can’t explain it…bwaa haa haa.
4. When I was a kid I was OBSESSED with the Kennedy/Marilyn Monroe death conspiracy theories. I couldn’t read enough books about them. I passed this on to my daughter this Christmas holiday with a Marilyn Monroe book.
5. After seeing Sherlock Holmes over the holidays, Brad Pitt, my long time love who just doesn’t know it yet, is getting kicked to the curb for Robert Downey Jr. since that movie has caused me to develop a crush on him.

   This is the kind of spontaneous irrational decision I make when I’ve had too much coffee. Brad come back…I was only joking!

6. I kept all my kids’ baby teeth and I don’t know why. Are you suppose to just throw them away? Is this normal? Now I’m thinking they probably don’t want a baggie of bloody teeth as a graduation or wedding gift so I should rethink why I’m keeping them. I even labeled the date they lost them, so an anthropologist is going to love me in 200 years.
7. 

   Photo credit: lmnob.com

   I played too much Skyrim (xbox) on my vacation. I know this because when I pulled up into my driveway and looked over at my neighbor’s flowerbed, my thoughts immediately went to wondering if I could harvest them to make a potion. Reality and gaming can get mixed up if you spend too much time playing. Let that be a lesson kids.

Go give a shout out to Brian over at Unintimidated by Convention and tell him I sent ya! The trip is FREE…my gift to you.

I hope 2012 brings everyone good health and happiness. Happy New Year!

Turns out I should have just stayed home.

Why?

There were almost casualties

After arriving at the clubhouse in a nearby gated community too early for the meeting, I decided to run to the grocery store first. In my defense it was dark and I’d completely forgotten about the guard gate. Slamming on my breaks as hard as I could, I knew it wasn’t going to stop in time and I was going to crash right into it. Visions of previous cars I’ve owned flashed before my eyes.

Braced for impact, I couldn’t believe the gate lifted out of the way at the very last possible millisecond. It still doesn’t seem possible and can only be courtesy of a Festivus Miracle.

Twenty minutes later I returned for the meeting and was nervous about checking in at the guard house. “What if he recognizes me as the nut that had just zoomed by earlier?”

I contemplated changing my name and wearing my shades, but he said nothing which just proves they will let any maniac in.

Lucky Winner

My plan was to grab my order and quickly return home before my frozen foods thaw.

Sneaking into the meeting, I made my way over to where the girls were busily watering 9 tiny potted plants. I had arrived just in time for the drawing determining which girl would take these home for 2 weeks and care for them. Can you guess who the lucky winner was?

This picture is less about showing you what I'm in charge of and more about remembering what they looked like in case I need to replace them.

“No no that’s OK. I’ll set the alarm on my iPhone to remember.”

After going over some camping paperwork, the discussion turned to cookies. It began with my excitedly asking, “When do cookie order forms go out?” and ended with me being “Cookie Mom”. Only after receiving this title did I learn about the four weekends of booth duty. I seriously don’t know what happened…I was in a volunteer-spirit-induced stupor and said “I’ll do it.” It came spilling out before I had time to rethink that commitment. I mean think.

With melting groceries waiting in my car, I waited 10 more minutes while the girls made my daughter get well cards.

What I got:

Responsibility for the plants, 10 sticky get well cards covered in glitter glue, the title of “Cookie Mom”, and melting groceries.

What I didn’t get?

The two things I went out for of course. The fundraiser order wasn’t at the meeting and the milk had a giant leak by the time it arrived at the refrigerator.

Ever wished you’d just stayed home because nothing went right?

I don’t usually do memes because I can’t even pronounce the word correctly. This leads to the fear that someone will ask me what I’m doing today. Rather than saying it correctly, I mumble “mrrmmsm” followed by panicked pointing while shouting “Hey there’s a cute puppy!” to distract them because that works every time.

I barely knew what it was when I participated in my first meme last year. It was like I said “Yea sure I’ll go deep sea diving. I know what I’m doing because I own a figurine of a dolphin.”

It turned out to be one of the most enjoyable experiences I’ve had as a blogger because I met some great writers, so I’m really looking forward to blog hopping today.

I present you with the 2nd installment of Tom Baker’s Community Network Meme 2011 where I have to answer twenty questions, most of which came from Cherlyn Cochrane of Over A Cup of Coffee who I just adore. Enjoy.

1. As a blogger, what do you draw inspirations from for your posts?
   Everyday life. Stuff seems to just happen to me. I’m a Murphy’s Law test dummy.

   Turns out it also comes in handy for forcing good behavior. More than once I’ve avoided situations by shrieking, “Don’t make me blog about this!”

2. If you could swap blogs with another blogger for a post, who would you switch with and why?
   Greg from Telling Dad. We both have 3 kids almost the same age and have similar experiences. I could practically plagiarize his whole blog and it would be relevant…except the muscles part…oh and the owning a fire truck…and the fact that he’s more glamorous. I think it’s the hat. It’s hard to compete with that professional-model-ish pout that oozes coolness.
3. If your blog had a theme song, what would it be? Why?
   “Drop it Like It’s Hot” for many reasons.
   • Because I drop so many things including myself.
   • Because I like to torture my children dancing to that song.
   • Who doesn’t want Snoop Dogg doing their theme song?

   When I first looked at the above shot of Snoop Dog, I thought, “Wow! He has a huge tongue! And has been eating a purple popsicle!” A few minutes later I realized “Ohhhhh it’s his chin and beard.” Anyone else see it that way?

   This explains why I can’t see the image in those 3D eye puzzles that you have to stare at a dot in the middle.

4. What is your writing process for a post?
   After realizing no one is going to invent a brain-to-wordpress plugin that you can export stories directly without the need of a USB connection (cough cough…Andy), I just sit and rattle off what’s on my mind. Then I let it sit for a few hours before rewriting most of it. The first pass just gets my mind working like the first pot of coffee.
5. Your blog requires a cute, new, mascot – what would it be?
   That’s easy. A sock monkey.

   He already takes over a big portion of my life entertaining my six year old so he might as well have a job. Right?

   He accompanied my daughter and me to The Muppet movie last week.

6. Do you feel you express your “true self” on your blog?
   Absolutely. It is 98% me with 10% embellishment on occasion to make me look cool. To distract you from the math…here is a cute puppy. ——————->
7. What is your biggest online pet-peeve?
   Just filtering out spam.

   Apparently my post about botching the Thanksgiving turkey (“Why Cooking A Turkey is Like Being in a Horror Film…or at an OB-GYN office“) helped numerous people on their school research projects, which leaves me confused at what they could be writing about. I’m going to assume they are going to “school” in their pajamas.

8. If you could live in a fictional universe, where would you live? Why?
   I would live where everyone played Call of Duty as their job under a palm tree at the beach, and robots did all the work. There would also be bottomless coffee pots and trees that drop dark chocolate bars (the good kind).

   Always in need of a few more hours in the day, I’m going to insist on 30hr days on my planet so I have time to dust. Oh I need more sleep too, so let’s make it 35hr days. Wait robots are doing all the work. Agh! This is too many decisions for me. I’m just going to move to Kelley’s Breakroom because she always has cool stuff there.

9. You’re having a bad day, you’re upset, you’re angry, or you’re sad – what is your go-to comfort?
   My kids are my comfort. They have the ability to make worries melt away in laughter. Reading my favorite humor blogs for a chuckle or an hour of xbox will also cure anything.
10. What is your favorite inspirational quote?
    

    “Have a sense of humor about life – you will need it. And be courteous.”
    – Peter Jennings

    I think that sums up everything you need to know about life. The world would be a better place if people followed this simple advice.

11. If they were to make a movie based on your life, who would play you, your leading lady/man, your best friend, and your rival?
    I would want Jennifer Aniston to play me because she plays a good bumbling klutz and makes it look cute. If you read my blog then you know Brad Pitt would HAVE to be the leading man…but that could cause some problems with those two so I will leave out a leading man.

    My best friends would be played by Sandra Bullock, Kristen Wig and Taylor Lautner (Yes he’s eye candy! It’s my movie!).

    I would also like Kermit the Frog though I have no idea who he is suppose to be. Maybe my imaginary friend.

    Glen Close is so good at playing evil roles, she would have to be my rival.

    Don’t We Look Fabulous

    

12. Do you think the world is going to end in 2012?
    No, but I imagine a few political careers will. Oh yea that is every year. Wait a second! Why would it be ending in 2012? Is there something I don’t know about? I get all my news from Bikini Bottom and don’t recall there being a topic on this. Should I be hording essentials like coffee, Sun Chips, and Spanx?
13. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?
    I would want super charged energy to work out more. I now realize just owning a yoga DVD doesn’t do anything. I’m slowly getting there since my 6 year old and I are doing a daily fitness challenge together and walking to the mailbox doesn’t count.
14. What is your favorite season and why?
    Summer because I’m a warm weather person that doesn’t like when the temperature drops below 70. Bundling up in layers of clothes makes me feel stiff, uncomfortable, and unproductive.

    Summer brings with it a kick-your-shoes-off, laid-back attitude. My solution for staying in a summer frame-of-mind all year round? Wearing flip flops.

15. You’ve been bitten by a vampire. Would you fight it with all your undead being or would you embrace it for all it is worth?
    Embrace it! Then run out immediately to purchase a cape.

    (I’m team Jacob…so I would prefer to be a werewolf thank you.)

16. Have you personally met any of your blogger friends?
    No. There are many I would love to hang out with. I would skip the mascara because I would be laughing too hard over lunch. Who am I kidding? I don’t even own mascara.

    There are so many similarities between a few of us that I swear we’re related.

17. What does your favorite pair of underwear look like?
    Hmm…favorite? It is just a necessity and I can’t confirm that I could ID it in a lineup. I didn’t know there was going to be a test like this or I would have purchased something exciting to write about.

    Itchy is not sexy. That’s my motto and all I can share about this subject. There’s nothing to see here…please move along.

18. Have you ever drank something right from the container in the refrigerator knowing other people will have to drink out of the same container later?
    No. I’m a germaphobe that way.
19. What is your favorite word and explain why?
    AWESOME. Who doesn’t love anything awesome? Everyone should try to put some awesome in their life on a daily basis.
20. 2011 is soon coming to a close, is there anything you’d like to do different on your blog in the year 2012?
    Write more. I’ve been extremely overwhelmed with too much to do. I would like to learn to say “no” more often and focus on the things I truly love rather than spreading myself thin. I’m changing my phone number.

You are still here? Now go meet some new people:

2011 Community Network Meme Participation List

Betwixt And Between
Insignificant At Best
Kay At The Keyboard
Words Fall From My Eyes
Courage To Change
Jackie Paulson ~Writer
I Shall Be A Toad
Over A Cup Of Coffee
Morpho Designs
Broken Sparkles
Curiosity Killed The KAT
Life Of Carbon
Walking The Labyrinth
Conch Saladesque
Blue Jellybeans
Disjointed Rhymings
The Real Sharon’s Blog
How Can I Complain?
Morning Erection <-- Thanks so much Tom!!!!!!!!!
2tha9s

It’s SAN not SCAN. I have no less than 15 of these things floating around in various electronics, and I would have bet money on the name…and lost. Which explains why I don’t gamble and why I began to question all that I thought I knew about the world around me.

I have more than you.

Strange things are happening at my house, and my dusty, science thinking-cap (if you can call it that) was reinstated in order to sleuth out an explanation.

Usually having more of something is a good thing not to mention bragging rights. This is not the case.

I have a surplus of gravity at my house.

In a world full of fascinating scientific-breakthroughs, I never imagined I would find myself in the middle of a NOVA episode, and I’m not sure what to wear. Things fall to the floor way above the national average on a daily basis in a Bermuda Triangle type phenomenon. No boring statistical charts are necessary to uncover the facts.

Observances of this physical phenomena

On any given day you can find 4-10 pens/pencils laying on the floor around the house. I’ve never been to anyone else’s home and seen a pen on the floor, so simple logic dictates that something different is happening here.

People aren’t just walking through the house and dropping a pen without noticing. Right?

This is clearly closely-related to string theory, the persistent clinging of strings to the floor, sweaters and the dog.

The Stronger pull of gravity explains many things:

Why lying on my side on the floor innocently playing Barbies with little one looks more like a nap. I simply cannot fight gravity that close to the epicenter of strength.

Why I’m so sore from my workout yesterday and can barely lift my legs. Laughing? Well you try doing squats with extra gravity. It’s like adding 15lb weights in your hands.

Towels that ever so slightly overhang the shelf are pulled to the bottom of the linen closet in mass quantities.

I’m beginning to understand what Sheldon is talking about in “Big Bang Theory“.

Whiter Towels

F = G(mass1*mass2)/D squared.
OK everyone get out your Physics textbooks and turn to page 55 please.
Note: There is no college credit available for reading this article.

Oh the irony that his hair defies the laws of gravity.

This explains why the bathroom’s linen closet is a mess (deformed space) and why my towels are looking brighter (light deflected into them).

Suddenly it all makes sense.

Got extra gravity?

Free Workouts

You probably have one, too, just down the street and didn’t even realize it. I took the one hour squat class and am now limited to an upright position in order to avoid using the Quads and Gluts that are currently on fire. This means if something falls on the floor, I either leave it or endure teasing when I ask for assistance from people closer to the ground.

If you’re wondering, “Where is this free gym?” it is located in the library of your local elementary school. Go shelve books for an hour.

Due to the misleading name, I erroneously chose the advanced class called “Easy Reader”. The limited height of the shelves in this section coupled with the size of its readers results in 90% of the books being selected from the bottom shelf.

Ten minutes into shelving I was feelin’ the burn. This lead to desperate attempts to avoid the constant squatting by:

• Sitting on the floor. This was only good for 2 books at a time and rendered useless.
• Attempting a weird adaptation of the yoga Warrior pose to avoid bending more than one leg at a time while risking teetering off balance.

Here’s what it looks like doing Library Yoga:

Awkward.

The lessons learned:

• Go for the non-fiction. Despite the intimidation of finding 735.445 on the shelve, it is easier in the long run.
• Don’t mess with the librarian. She’s in great shape.

Soooooo…a few weeks back I got the call that my car was ready at the shop. Excitedly I zipped over to my favorite gas station, the one with the fast pumps, to put gas back in the rental car.

Used to stepping DOWN from my SUV, I believe it was the awkwardness of the lower vehicle combined with my dangerous flip flops that caused the following scenario to occur.

Getting out to pump gas

My flip-flop gets caught and I tumble out of the car

It was in slow motion to make sure all saw...

Laying flat on the ground between the pump and my car.

If you ever find yourself in this predicament, this is the point where you attempt to look like you were checking a leak under your car and are lying on the ground completely on purpose.

Then stand up, check for bloody knees, and proceed to pump gas as if that did not just happen. It’s all in the execution of looking purposeful.

A quick glance around made me think I had actually gotten away with it. I was on the end pump, and no one seemed to be paying attention. I began pumping gas and lowered my sunglasses onto my face like no one would recognize me. My knees were burning as they were scraped and a giant bruise was already blackening on my palm where I caught myself.

Then I heard it…

“Are you OK?”

Turning to look behind me, I see a pleasant looking gentleman sitting in his car where he had been putting air in his tires.

I turned and did a wave while saying, “I’m fine thanks!”

SHOOT! Well I was until I realized someone had seen it.

CREDIT FOR MY STICK FIGURENESS: I snagged one of my 6 year old’s drawings of me after giving up on her ever drawing the figure I requested for this article. My artist on staff is unreliable, especially when sitting next to a pumpkin full of candy.

Ever fallen out of your car?