Discovering the secrets

angel wingsThere’s nothing like a new bra to boost the confidence, so I hopped in the car armed with my $10 off any bra coupon and excitedly headed to Victoria’s Secret where I am a proud Angel card carrier thank you very much. That is just because I’m cheap and want the coupons.

My kids refuse to step foot in this store because they find it completely embarrassing and wait outside. Not wanting to make the news in a story about how my children were abducted while I was trying on bras, I went solo. Just mentioning the word “bra” sends my daughter into hiding, so she’s going to be horrified by this whole story when she reads it.

The choices are overwhelming, and I wander around until the saleslady asks if she can help. Since I don’t know what size I am because that fluctuates based on how much candy corn and chocolate I’ve indulged in on a weekly basis, I succumb to her evil measuring tape.

They insist on measuring you right smack dab in the center of the store and yelling out the size for all to hear. I wanted to look around and ask “Did you get that or should she repeat it?” If this is a sales tactic it didn’t work. It made me want to run out of the store with my sunglasses on, and I’m not a shy person. I argued that her measuring tape was off, but she wasn’t listening. She was already on her way to make recommendations.

Hypnotized by the strong perfume smell, I blindly follow her to the push up bra section. She loads me up with 3 “sexy” bras before I could say “This isn’t really what I’m looking for because I’m more of a t-shirt and sweats type of girl”, and two minutes later I find myself standing in a dimly lit dressing room with a bra that looks like it belongs in a brothel. I could hardly see a thing, but maybe that is for my own protection.

Secret #1: What they don’t tell you is the push-up is just a fancier version of stuffing wads of toilet paper in your bra which I remember doing as a teen until it fell out one day and I had to pretend to have a cold while lop-sided. It only takes one time to learn that lesson. Plus there is too much pressure during the rainy season or sweating in PE which can have less than fabulous results on your figure.

Staring at my image in the mirror, I realize this looks nothing like it does on the model in the giant wall size photos all over the store. False advertising! Does this come with that body, too? Because I’m willing to pay extra for a size 6. They should use some really ugly people in the ads so you will look in the mirror and say, wow I look way better than the model. Now that would work!

Secret #2: Ah ha!! The dark room is so you don’t notice that you were not instantly transformed into an Angel.

Carefully dodging the pushy sales lady, I return to the sales floor to look on my own for other choices. That’s went I noticed there are three types of men in VS:

  • The uncomfortable ones

    “I don’t want to be standing in a sea of underwear” types that have been forced to wait for their partners while they are in the dressing rooms. They are staring at the ceiling.

  • Kid in the candy store

    The excited boyfriend type that can’t contain his excitement over a see-through nightgown, and is actually embarrassing his girlfriend. He can’t stop talking about how he would love to see her cooking breakfast in it, and you get the feeling he’s going to be single shortly after the mall trip.

  • The Creepy ones

    Lurking about the store solo, they are checking out which size drawer you are picking from. I throw those off by opening several drawers and selecting 5 different sizes.

They could do us all a favor and ban men from this store.

Now loaded with 15 choices, most not in my size, I’m confident that I have confused the creeps who are now drooling over the wall posters, and I head back into the dressing room. The results were the same.

The biggest secret of all

I left VS empty handed but confident in the knowledge that Victoria’s secret is airbrushing.


  1. I am laughing so much cos I am picturing you in that store 🙂 In stores here now they have introduced models displaying “larger sizes” as well cos they recognise not everyone is the size of a model! Why do they need to have any models displayed up on the walls? It’s enough to experience these sales assistants declaring they know our size better than we do!!!
    Translation please….what is English for candy corn?!
    Patricia Perth Australia
    Patricia recently posted..Growing Lavenders-Are You a PuristMy Profile

    • Ha ha. Candy corn is pure sugar disguised as cute little pieces of white, yellow, and orange Halloween candy (October costume holiday) and is responsible for a few pounds of October weight gain until I can’t stand the taste anymore and crash down from the sugar buzz it induces.

      • I go back and forth on candy corn. I’ve learned that if it’s Brach’s I love it still, but any other brand and it tastes like wax. My wife doesn’t want me eating any of it; I know she’s right, but every once in awhile…
        Mitch recently posted..The Know-It-All DiscussionMy Profile

  2. I like everything I buy that has some kind of discount. It’s not that we’re cheap, it’s because we want to stretch our money the best way we can, without sacrificing the quality of the product, of course. Funny secrets you’ve shared here! Yeah, I agree with you, why do they always advertise their products with only gorgeous people? Why not include some average-looking ones? Like in the Dove soap commercials. Now, that’s realistic advertising in my opinion.
    Felicia recently posted..PartyPoker- Polish qualifier wins an 2010 Aston Martin DBD9 CoupeMy Profile

    • You have to love Dove for using real people. I can’t believe that hasn’t caught on.

      • Hi Melinda and Felicia,

        Normally, I’d leave y’all alone to discuss the finer points of bras and bloomers, but on the subject of Dove, I had to jump in and share what may or may not be a secret about Unilever.

        Unilever owns the Dove brand and has, indeed, found marketing gold with their campaign for real beauty. Lest you be tempted to nominate them for sainthood, you should know that they also own the Axe brand. They have no problem pimping their male products using the traditional, vapid and sexist marketing gimmicks.

        Well, since I’m here: whoo-hoo! what a hoot! I enjoyed reading about your trip and I must admit that I was tripped up by your use of the word “drawers”. I thought you meant that you went to pick several sizes of of we colloquially refer to briefs and boxers.

        As in “Maggie’s Drawers”.


        Thanks for sharing the secrets – will they revoke your membership?


        Mitchell Allen recently posted..Gee WhillickersMy Profile

        • LOL I didn’t know they had Axe…yes I would say that tactic is completely opposite and does highlight the difference between the sexes in terms of what type of marketing technique works. ha ha ha I love what the labels say and the diagrams on the Axe products..hysterical.

        • Mitch, I love Axe I must admit. Not because of the commercials, but because that stuff smells good. My story & I’m sticking to it.
          Mitch recently posted..Top 50 Blogger List AspirationsMy Profile

          • @Mitch: I think the various odors are okay 🙂 however, I haven’t purchased toiletries for myself since we started having kids. We get the cheapest thing that won’t peel the skin off of our bones.

            @Felicia: I was disappointed when I learned it. I suppose I expect companies to adopt a universal vision or something. Maybe because sexist advertising is a hot-button issue for me, I can’t accept that they truly believe in a “Campaign for Real Beauty.”


            Mitchell Allen recently posted..Conversation Starter PistolsMy Profile

  3. Ugh, I’m afraid to even stop foot inside a VS store. The salespeople might take one look at me and say “I think you’re lost. Were you looking for Bee Dee’s trainers?”. I think my girls have shrunk I might not even need bras in the near future. Although when I think really hard about it, I realize it’s not such a bad thing considering how humid it can get here. LOL.

    Oh and “…confident in the knowledge that Victoria’s secret is airbrushing.” I completely agree!

    • lol I’m starting to think I might be passing the age cut off for that store, but I’m not willing to admit I hope they don’t cancel my card because of this story. hee hee

  4. Try being a not quite so feminine looking lesbian entering VS – you know that movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers where the snatched bodies open their mouths really wide and let out that high pitched scream when encountering a not yet snatched person? Yep – that’s the reaction.

    Perfer to slink unnoticed around Kohl’s or Target. 🙂
    T recently posted..Friday Favorites-This Week’s Best Blog LinksMy Profile

    • LOL you are too funny! Yes it is a lot easier to slink around those stores. I always feel like I’m walking onto a stage going in VS. I can appreciate the salespeople doing their job but some of us just want to be there unnoticed.

  5. My daughters LOVE Victoria’s Secret…not only for the underwear, I have one that only wears the “Pink” clothing line. I went to Victoria’s Secret once looking for a bra. Mind you, I am chestically challenged (34AA), but they are a BRA STORE, right? I went in, got tapemeasured in front of a crowd and the salesperson tells me that “they don’t carry my size”. Seriously, they don’t carry AA’s? Who needs a miracle bra more than I do? Pfffffffft! Back to the Jr. Department at JCPenney’s 😉
    Jessica Sieghart recently posted..Hook Me UpMy Profile

    • Oh boy are too funny. They are producing the miracle bra in the wrong size.

      Dear VS: Now that we have offered our genius product marketing advice (which frankly seemed pretty obvious) at no charge, please feel free to send 2 gift certificates for me and Jessica.

  6. What, no pictures? Uhhh, not because I’m creepy, but because I felt we should, uhhh, have the opportunity to evaluate whether your perceptions were correct or not. Yeah, that’s it! 🙂
    Mitch recently posted..Sunday Question – What’s Your Favorite Animated MovieMy Profile

  7. Mitch is going to get me in trouble if my wife happens to read my email notifications. tsk-tsk 🙂



    P.S. I’m with Mitch on the evaluation of perceptions committee.
    Mitchell Allen recently posted..Conversation Starter PistolsMy Profile

    • LOL It would be like a modeling shoot gone very wrong. If you are a Seinfeld would be the equal of what Kramer did for Calvin Klein modeling the underwear. See it at: Kramer at Calvin Klein I would be the girl VS version ;P As much as this made me want to photoshop my face onto a model I will pass since my kids would die.

      • I Love Seinfeld – though the re-runs are not exactly evergreen. So, I take it those wooden cut-outs on the boardwalk are out of the question, too? Which reminds me, have you seen the new commercial for DJ Guitar Hero 2? Talk about little Photoshop of Horrors!


        Mitchell Allen recently posted..Conversation Starter PistolsMy Profile

  8. Very funny post. I’m so glad men don’t have to go through all that, unless their wives drag them shopping with them. Every store has some type of gimmick – even grocery stores and the music they play. I go to the store with the knowledge of what I want and I do my best to get just that. “Does it come with that body?” Good stuff.
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