Big Haul at Little Vegas

slotsIf you thought gambling wasn’t allowed where you live think again. In nearly every town, a small children’s casino is operating under the disguise of a pizza parlor.

At the pleading and begging request of a cute little five year old, my teen girl and I took her to this seemingly innocent place armed with a coupon for free tokens.

After ordering, we sat at a booth waiting for our pizza of questionable quality to arrive, and I attempted to figure out where things went wrong at the cash register…I had a coupon! Three drinks, 2 salads, one pizza and 125 shiny tokens for the cost of a kidney transplant. Visions of a nice Japanese restaurant that we could have enjoyed for the same price where quickly erased by the cling-cling from the cup of coins being shaken in front of my face.

“Let’s go play some games!” I barely heard the words over the the mix of carnival and casino sounds from the game area. You guessed it right. We are at Chuck E. Cheese.

Back in the days when my older two were little, this place had actual arcade games. They have been replaced with what boils down to slot machines for kids. Each game is a random chance to win a random amount of tickets so you can cash in on BIG PRIZES on the way out.

I sighed and pictured us spending the next two hours trying to use up all 125 coins which would allow us to escape out of here. This place ranks just above the OB-GYN office on my list…just barely.

After losing five coins in her haste at the toss a coin in the dragon’s mouth game, little one was happy to see my teen bouncing enthusiastically from around the machine with a fist full of tickets. “Look what I got in less than 2 minutes!”

If you think you may have a gambling problem,
Come to ChuckECheese. We have coupons!

There it was…the machine with the ridiculous 25 ticket payout…The SpongeBob machine.

Talking little one into playing this took no effort at all. In less than one minute she had a hand full of tickets. It is like playing the slots only you don’t even have to waste time pushing a button or pulling a lever. Just drop the coin in. One by one we crammed them in as fast as we could as tickets continuously sputtered out.

Nervously aware of our deliberate exploitation of this machine, I anxiously kept an eye out for Bubba the casino bouncer who was sure to knock us off the machine. Two elderly ladies walked by talking about how it was just like playing slots. Hey that’s what I said!

At speeds of over 100 tickets per minute we worked the machine in a caffeine induced frenzy. Like gluttons we stood there with tickets spilling out of our hands while seeing others walk by with only a few tickets. Surely this is going to be in the record books…the day Chuck E Cheese was cleaned out.

Suddenly we realized we were down to 3 coins. EEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Brakes on! What?!

We blew through the entire cupful in less than three minutes. A sure sign that we don’t have any business being in Vegas.

Feeding the tickets into the counter we watched the count keep going…100…200….300. Whoa! A whopping 347 tickets!! Surely that is enough for a stuffed animal or model kit that are on the top shelves…you know the fancy ones that are worth almost 5 real dollars. After explaining to 2 girls with gleaming-gambling eyes that I didn’t have any cash to purchase more tokens…are you kidding!…we ventured up to the toy area. With so much awesome stuff to choose from, this process took a painful ten minutes.

What does 347 tickets get you?

I’m glad you asked. Feast your eyes on these wonderful prizes that I believe are available at the Dollar Store 10 for a $1. I’ll make the picture bigger so you can see it in all its grandness and I can get my money’s worth out of it.

You can’t Outgame the Mouse

As much as we thought we had outsmarted the machines, we still lose.
Dinner $15 value
Drinks $5 value (I’m being generous here)
Tokens $3 I’m just guessing it was $3 worth of fun…$1 a minute
Prizes $2
TOTAL $25

Actual Cost $54 <- Mouse wins

Happy little girl with a plastic straw...priceless...no...sorry it is actually $54...I know I'm so not over it yet.

Learning you may have a gambling problem...priceless...that probably saved me a few hundred.

Planning another trip soon? Not on your life.


EMP! All Electronics Are Down!

Grounding your child isn’t what it used to be.

When I was grounded to my room, I had an old shortwave radio and record player to keep myself amused. True torture as I would rather be roaming the neighborhood on my bike.

Today your child WANTS to be in his room. So what is a parent to do?

We are a high tech loving family, so now when my children are grounded it sets off a fifteen minute treasure hunt of confiscating all electronic devices:

The Phones confiscated – CHECK

phones

The iPods – CHECK

Laptops – CHECK

Phhhhew…I’m exhausted. A large pile of equipment now clutters up my dresser where I can keep a watch on it while I work.

Bring in the EMP Personal Grounding Device

In Call of Duty MW2 the best killstreak reward is the EMP. I want a personal version – smaller than the one used in Ocean’s Eleven [link to clip] because:

  • I can’t carry that thing!
  • I have nowhere to keep it – my closet is full
  • My Home Owners Association would not look kindly at knocking out the entire neighborhood.

I need a handheld version that covers one room’s worth so only the child in trouble is affected. Then I simply walk in and shout “EMP!! Electronics are DOWN!!”

I will emulate this voice – it has to be in this urgent tone

The only electronic I don’t need to confiscate?

The alarm clock. It doesn’t work for them so why bother.

Grounding was so much easier when we were little wasn’t it?


Followed By Paparazzi For A Laugh

paparazzi

Ever wondered what it would be like to be stalked by an ever present camera?

Like a celebrity avoiding her latest outing appearing on the front page of The Enquirer, I’m dodging my daughter’s camera left and right these days.

Occasionally, I react by striking a pose just like the picture only it doesn’t look that glamourous. I’m missing the dress, oh and the hairdo, and fan, and something cool to lean on. The effect isn’t the same using the kitchen counter.

She’s managed to accumulate a vault of videos of me:

  • Dancing to the Kinect
  • Dancing in my seat while driving
  • Talking on the phone
  • Demonstrating stupid things – total set ups

The motive

A six figure offering is not the motivation behind this constant filming. The perfect recording of my laugh is.

The sneaky photographer walks into the kitchen where I’m cooking and tells me something funny. Not realizing she’s on the phone, I’m laughing my normal laugh. While walking away, she places the phone back to her ear and excited says, “Did you hear it?!?!”

Huh?

Apparently my laugh has become famous, and I’m left perplexed at why.

Trying to recreate a laugh doesn’t work when you are consciously trying.

I’m Now A Ringtone

Her newest creation is a ringtone consisting of my laugh. This was accomplished with her iTouch’s voice recorder while I was talking on the phone. Lovely. When I call her phone, it plays my laugh. Now I’m limited to texting for obvious reasons.

I have to guess she was using a dork filter because I’m certain it sounds MUCH cooler than…this….


(Warning turn down your speaker…all the way down is recommended.)



* Audio is Copyright 2011 and not available for replay without permission of my wonderful daughter who I’m sure would sell me off for $1 based on her recent attempt to trade moms with a friend like I’m a baseball card.

That was the edited short version. Eeeeee gads I must make people deaf on the phone.

Now that I’m a ringtone, should I be offended or take this as a compliment?



Good Moms Have Sticky Floors

This weekend I came across a piece of wall art on Catching Fireflies that said:

“Good Moms Have Sticky Floors, Dirty Ovens, and Happy Kids”
I feel better already. It comes as no surprise that it was sold out.

When I tweeted this saying and put it on my Facebook, it prompted a lot of responses and many Amens. Single Dads and Grandmas wanted in on it, too.

Happy Kids

Happy kids

Smiling kids. I know she draws better than me.
Note: All girls are princesses which explains the crowns.

Jessica suggested adding “something dripping in the fridge” to the list, which I totally agree with. I imagine the wall art could be expanded to cover the entire kitchen wall.

Some things I would include…

paper dolls

Two of about 50 paper people constantly showing up around the house. I think they are the cutest things!
Wait! Girls don't have noses?

  • Unidentified moldy food in the back of the refrigerator.
  • Pile of folded laundry on the top of the dryer.
  • Living room floor covered in paper scraps from a paper doll project. –>
  • Weeds in the flower bed
  • Smudges on the sliding glass door
  • Dusty ceiling fans

Art by my five year old budding artist

What would you add to the list?





Spreading Happiness One Wave At A Time

UPDATE: The Virtual Painting Heist of the Century fell apart on the way to the location due to:

  • Struggles over the radio controls
  • Whining “Are we there yet?” comments
  • A popcorn fight that required pulling over to the side of the road 3 times
  • A Krispy Kreme with the “Hot” light turned on

It was like taking twelve kids on a road trip. If you were waiting for the epic video, I apologize.

Excuses Excuses Excuses

Last week’s temporary insanity was directly related to Fuse’s week long Lady Gaga Marathon. My two Gaga-obsessed fans were hypnotized into watching the same videos over and over while I slowly emptied the Tylenol bottle.

Luckily Gagapolooza came to a screeching halt Monday night with

The Release of “Born This Way”

I feel like this picture.

When is the optimum time to rope off 1/2 of a Super Walmart to install new tile?

Obviously during Lady Gaga’s album release at midnight. Management must not be on Twitter.

The journey to the electronics department required navigating a maze of aisles blocked by either orange construction mesh or pallets of items for restocking. After passing the corn maze certification test, we found a group patiently browsing the DVDs and attempting to pretend they weren’t there for Lady Gaga. Is it embarrassing to like her if you are older than 22?

12:03 am and not a salesperson in sight

Just when it seemed hopeless, the bubble gum blowing college girl called the store and asked for the electronics department. GENIUS! We all giggled as the cashier seemed to appear out of nowhere and darted to grab the phone.

“Hello?” Hmmm…no one there.

Looking very puzzled, she noticed the large group staring at her.

“We are here for the new Lady Gaga album,” we announced.

“Who?” replied the cashier as she fumbled around behind the counter.

Nervously I looked for signs of my daughter’s “YOU DON’T KNOW WHO LADY GAGA IS?!?!!” rant which includes a 20 minute history of her career, a complete song list, and possibly a required video viewing from her iTouch. She’s a walking Gagapedia.

While paying for the limited edition, the Little Monster updated her Facebook status “GOT BORN THIS WAY!! :) LADY GAGA!!”

Aaa…one of those touching moments that she will remember her whole life? Doubtful. A gain of Mom IOU points which come in handy when the dog throws up on the carpet? YES!

Remember when I took you to get the Lady Gaga CD at midnight?

Reinstating the Wave

Don’t ask why, but listening to Lady Gaga stirred up a memory of the old school hip hop move…The Wave. Remember it? Here’s a refresher: (Go to min 1:00 unless you are practicing it which is totally understandable because I couldn’t resist either.)


At least in my experience, dancers would do the wave toward another dancer…the signal that it was their turn to show off some break dancing moves. A cool “It’s your turn” if you will.

As I demonstrated the move, I explained to my daughter that I was passing her the wave and to catch it.

“Mom! Stop! That’s so embarrassing!”

She always says that when it’s just the two of us in the house…like someone is watching from a satellite with x-ray vision and they are going to post it on Facebook.

After passing her 20 unreturned waves throughout the day, it grew on her, and I caught both girls trying it out.

That’s when I got a brilliant idea

At the stoplight on the way to school I mentioned how giving someone the wave might make their day. She disagreed, so I passed her a wave and she laughed. Point proven.

Imagine…

Impatiently sitting at a stoplight after a bad day at work, Bob happens to look over at the crazy lady (me) in the car next to him and notices she is dancing in her seat (yes I do this…please still like me). She turns to look at Bob and passes the wave.

I’m thinking Bob catches it and dances with his hands in the air, and three lights down, he passes it on.

We could change the world one WAVE at a time



Vaporizing Medical Credentials and Marvin the Martian

nebulizerLast week karma played a little joke on me, and this is what I get for wanting a lab coat and rambling about being a pretend doctor.

Thanks to little one’s case of pneumonia, we were sent home with a REAL LIVE OFFICIAL piece of medical equipment…the nebulizer…or as I now refer to it as the GHEE [pronounced "G-EE" as in "Gee...isn't this fun?"]. The H is silent and implies sarcasm.

After the nurse demonstrated its use, I disappointingly left the office without an official “temporary nurse” certificate to hang on the wall. Feeling a bit like Goober (Andy Griffith) the deputy, I just wanted a badge or something saying I was qualified since I wasn’t issued scrubs. Airline wings would have been acceptable.

Nebulizer sounds like some cool Star Trek gadget that vaporizes things in space OR the name of the gun Marvin the Martian would have used, doesn’t it? “Stand back or I will nebulize you!”

Well it isn’t, but I do suspect the medicine is imported from Mars due to the astronomical cost of $365 for 20 days worth of 2 medications for it. Leaving the pharmacy with 2 paper grocery bags full of boxes, I felt like I was opening my own clinic.

This led to: GHEE = Grey Hair Enhancement Equipment.

And you thought it just had medical benefits. Throw in some antibiotics and a necessary hair coloring appointment, and I’m sure I could have purchased a hovercraft by now.

Six times a day I have to talk a five year old into sitting still for five minutes for a breathing treatment. Turns out this is about as easy and effortless as having her eat a bowl of cooked spinach every few hours, and being a nurse isn’t nearly as glamorous as I imagined. General Hospital obviously gave me a warped viewpoint as an impressionable teen. God bless nurses and their patience. They make it seem so easy.

Things I’ve Learned This Week

  • Don’t give a steroid treatment at 9pm unless you are planning to stay up all night. This is an even bigger mistake the day before Easter. Luckily a delirious bunny successfully delivered goods at 3:30am while still 90% asleep. Thank goodness for a maternal subconscious alarm clock.
  • Don’t sit next to the child getting the steroid treatment or you may suddenly feel like you can lift your car due to second-hand inhalation.
  • 5 minute breathing treatments can take up to an hour when dealing with a small child who finds every possible excuse in the world plus some to pull the mask away including things such as:
    • Itching nose
    • Blowing nose
    • Changing the channel on the TV
    • Exhibiting plain stubbornness
    • Notifying me that I lost my “sock monkey voice” while attempting to distract her, so I need to start the ABC song over.
  • If you are going to entertain a child with sock monkey’s singing and telling stories, make sure you have plenty of material in your head. Once the precedent is set there is no going back, and a quality show is expected every time.

But most importantly I gained a small insight into the world of parents of chronically ill children that have to deal with medical treatments on an ongoing basis. They are ANGELS and HEROES. Six days of the minimum two week stint is already taking its toll on me, but it is just temporary. I can’t imagine what these parents must go through. If you know one, do something unexpectedly nice for them even if it is just a hug.

I’m off to write a new skit for the next treatment. The pressure is on.



Preschool Playground Scams and Justin Bieber

My five year old is slightly obsessed with Justin Bieber, and I blame that on her having a 13 year old sister to hang out with. Where did Dora go?

In the drug store she runs straight for the magazine section…looking for Teen Beat or other teen magazines with Justin Bieber posters for her room.

Her door

justin bieber poster

The clothes

Justin Bieber T Shirt

Gift from the 16 year old neighbor who also loves J.B. and bought this for my daughter.




Yesterday I picked up my five year old daughter from preschool and found her more spazzy than usual. She dug through her cubby in a frantic fit of excitement to pull out this gem:

Justin Bieber’s Phone Number:



justin bieber's phone number

…or so it was according to her “friend” on the playground.

You can imagine the hysteria that surrounds a fanatical fan’s actually getting their hands on such a thing. She was SO EXCITED she could hardly wait to get home and call it.

Carefully explaining to her that numbers in the US don’t start with 0 and that it isn’t really a phone number, I saw tears welling up in her eyes.

Her: “Can’t I just try it?”
Me: “It isn’t a number. It won’t work. There is no P in a phone number.”
Her: “That’s a 9! Just let me try…ppplllleeeeaaasse. She said it is his number. It is!”

Tears of disappointment streamed down her face. She went to sleep last night broken hearted.

Thus the first of many lessons was learned about playground scams…the hard way.


Orchestrating a Monkeynapping

sock monkey trio

Sure they look cute

Looks are deceiving. As if having one sock monkey wasn’t bad enough, now there are three. It’s my fault. I brought these monkeys to life with their own muppet-type voice and personalities, and they are now my daughter’s favorite playmates. Each night for two hours, I am tortured by having to “be” these monkeys. I wonder how Jim Henson did it for so long. I was over it after a month.

My teens walk by me with a “I feel sorry for you” look.

Imagination creates the most fun

It is funny how stuffed animals can seem so real to a kid. I can remember thinking the same thing about my animals when I was little. Even after you are older and rationally aware they are just a stuffed toy, it is still hard not to see them as real and an important part of your life. At least 3 went to my dorm room with me, and it took many years to get rid of them completely. They were furless by then due to the Velveteen Rabbit effect. That is one of my favorite books, and it always makes me cry.

For the Skin Horse made the Velveteen Rabbit aware that “…but once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

For some reason I was reminded of when my other daughter was little and had not one, but a whole gang of imaginary friends. You couldn’t sit anywhere in the house without hurting one. Then came the decision of who to invite to her birthday party. When the entire list consisted of the invisible crew, I didn’t know what to do. At least they don’t eat anything and don’t require treat bags…right? Hmm…I’m picturing the sock monkey trio sitting around the table at the next birthday party.

This Monkey Dilemma has left me with no other choice but to orchestrate a Ransom of Red Chief type kidnapping scheme for my own sanity. I’m not paying for their return.

Sock Monkey Games

My daughter loves the games she plays at preschool so much, that she insists on playing them at home. Since there are no other preschoolers running around the house, that leaves the sock monkey trio to fill in. These are the games I’m sick of:

  • Sock Monkey Hide and Go Seek

    This is where I play the role of sock monkey and we take turns counting and hiding. We ran out of hiding spots after day one, so I have to pretend to not know where she is hiding. Sock Monkey is so “alive” in her mind that she will whisper her hiding place to me and tell me not to tell him.

    After putting my foot down and refusing to play this game anymore, she introduced a new game called “Three Blind Mice” which is…you guessed it…Hide and Go Seek with 3 people, so now I’m TWO sock monkeys. I totally fell into that trap.

  • The BubbleGum Game

    This is like playing eeny meeny miny mo. Everyone sits in a circle and puts their feet in the middle. The person in charge of counting is called “The Bubblegummer”. The Bubblegummer goes around the circle saying the following:

    Bubble gum Bubble gum in a dish
    How many pieces do you wish?

    The selected person answers a number, and the bubblegummer counts. The leg it lands on is “out”. The sock monkeys hate being the “bubblegummer” so they tend to purposely lose the game. They are pretty good at math.

    I’m hearing this chant in my sock monkey nightmares now.

  • Phone Game

    This consists of Sock Monkey stealing her plastic Princess phone and pulling pranks like ordering 100 pizzas or calling her to pretend he is Justin Bieber. I was out of ideas three weeks ago.

Decision Making

I know why the Bubble Gum game is so popular. Five-year-olds base every major decision on the result of eeny meeny miny mo. We were at Target tonight so she could spend her gift card on a Barbie.

A year ago this trip would have taken several hours with an indecisive four-year-old. Walking up and down the Barbie isle they make a selection, then see a better choice, and then repeat the process no less than 1000 times. It is as if this is the only toy they will ever own and they have to get it right. Oh the pressure! A parent waiting room should be located at the end of the Barbie aisle with a nice comfy couch.

Then they turn five and the decision process is shortened to the time it takes to say the eeny meeny miny mo phrase. We were out of there in less than 3 minutes.

Each night I hear “Be Sock Monkey” from my little darling and dread overcomes me. I’ve tried to introduce new games, but she loves these three too much.

Faced with three choices: (monkeynapping, throw them away, or hide them), I did the only thing I could do to pick one – a quick game of eeny meeny miny mo.

Packing Tape and Cardboard Dreams

dreamIn most homes cardboard boxes come and go without much thought. There was a time when cardboard was GOLD to child #2, The Artist.

Always amused at her creativity and overactive imagination, I still couldn’t help but be frustrated by the lack of tape in the house. Anytime I needed to mail a box or wrap a present, I found only empty dispensers in the drawers. Purchasing both packing and Scotch tape in the 3 roll packs only seemed to make it disappear three times as fast. Pulling tape off the carpet in the project assembly area of the living room became my daily routine, and I realized I was dealing with a tape obsession of epic proportions – a two-or three-roll-a-week habit at its peak.

Better than duct tape

Some people say duct tape fixes everything. The Artist felt that way about tape in general and was always in search of an excuse to wield the mighty dispenser for quick fixes on things such as mending ripped Barbie dresses and laminating a book bag. I would swear she broke things on purpose just to use tape.

three little pigs

I had to ask permission to post this. She made the pig nose and wolf accessories. Yes, those are pink socks on the pig's arms.

While unpacking my new desk from three large boxes, I saw her salivating at the amount of cardboard as she asked, “Can I have that?” A dream come true.

Drowning in cardboard

My house was soon invaded with large cardboard creations. After carefully constructing and decorating the stage, she created costumes and patiently practiced lines with her little sister for the “Three Little Pigs” production. It was adorable.

Cardboard cars get good gas mileage

cardboard carNeighbors still reminisce about the days of seeing her out in the driveway hard at work on her cardboard masterpiece. Built atop a toddler ride-on toy with painstaking detail, she crafted a car that worked. She took her little sister for rides around the house and down the sidewalk.

I thanked her for saving me a lot of money in the future when she got a driver’s license, but eventually the car fell apart. Heartbroken at the thought of tossing it to the curb on trash day, I knew another creation would eventually take its place.

Then came the day that the creations were no more. The packing tape obsession was replaced with a cell phone addiction, boyfriends, and Lady Gaga. She turns thirteen today – an official teen although she’s been there for years.

Despite her telling me that I didn’t have to write about her like I did my son, I must. She’s my only reader in the family. My #1 fan who even stole the coffee mug with my logo on it, and asked me to come speak at career day. I dodged that appearance…maybe next year. I had no idea what I would say other than, “This is how you become crazy after having kids.”

The torch has been passed

paper shoesLooks like the creative bug has bit her little sister. This weekend she used all the tape in the house and a stack of paper bags to create “Paper Sandals”. I didn’t let her wear them to the grocery store, but so far I’m impressed with their durability. Sock Monkey got a pair, too. I haven’t been measured for my designer pair yet.

The tradition of tape and paper dreams continues…

Happy Birthday Sweetie!
Your imagination, artistic talent, and natural, musical ability amaze me every day. You are so good with your little sister who adores you, and I’m so proud of you. Plus you make me laugh harder than anyone.

Love Always,
Mom – Your #1 fan

Her reply…in true teen style:
Thanks mom :/ your so embarrassing!!!! -the apparently artist
P.S. I never got to choose my name for here.
I don’t approve.

And a comment from her friend that I promised to add (sorry I can’t approve comments from minors..internet safety you know) :)

It’s cute and would love to have that new stylish car and it’s probably hard being you. Hope not much more tape is needed
I have a new invention reusable tape. U should try it ha ha
-K.

Disclaimer: These teen comments were translated from the original texting versions for the purpose of understanding them. :)
I’m awaiting reusable tape…

Heartwarming Moments

The unexpected gift

As a Mom you don’t expect your kids to give you anything for Valentine’s Day.

For me, Valentine’s Day is a tradition of leaving a small gift along with a card by each child’s bed so they see it when they wake up. The card is always a personal note telling them how proud I am of them.

So was I ever surprised that my five year old had painted a special valentine for me. Not yesterday…not last week…but weeks ago. I know because that was the last time she painted. In the excitement and anticipation of the approaching holiday, the news accidentally leaked out a few times, and I pretended not to notice.

You can measure how much a gift means to a child by the number of times they mention it by mistake. A great secret is a painful burden for those under 8 years old.

I think back to the year my son visited the school “Gingerbread Shop” during first grade. Each child is allowed to shop for Christmas presents under the guidance of other parents. The obnoxiously-large, fake emerald ring for $2.00 caught his eye.

That afternoon I asked how his shopping went. While in the midst of excitingly describing his adventure and the items he had carefully selected for his sister and grandparents, he blurted out “I’m not even going to tell you about the ring I got you.” As he realized his mistake, his head hung low, and I watched as the thrill drained quickly out of his face. Sad eyes turned to the ground ready to burst into tears of disappointment. “What did you say?” I asked. He quickly lifted his head up, and a huge grin returned as he answered, “Nevermind.”

Heartwarming Gifts From The Heart

She secretly painted the picture and hid the Valentine in her room to surprise me, so I had not seen it until she jumped out of bed this morning to give it to me. Giggling with excitement, she practically thew it at me as she skipped toward me and announced, “I made this for you!” Handing me the valentine she had painted with love, my five year was beaming with pride.

And that is when you know all those hours being Sock Monkey’s voice is worth it.






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