Finding The Humor

Getting the most out of life by looking at the positive. I love anything funny!

Who Needs a Guard Gate Anyway?

milkI’ve been stuck at home all week with a sick 6 year old. Completely out of milk, I made a desperate dash to the store that erroneously included swinging by the Daisy Troop meeting to pick up a fundraiser order. Secretly that was just an excuse to make sure cookie order forms weren’t going home because…well…I’M SO EXCITED ABOUT THAT I tell you.

Turns out I should have just stayed home.


There were almost casualties

guard gateAfter arriving at the clubhouse in a nearby gated community too early for the meeting, I decided to run to the grocery store first. In my defense it was dark and I’d completely forgotten about the guard gate. Slamming on my breaks as hard as I could, I knew it wasn’t going to stop in time and I was going to crash right into it. Visions of previous cars I’ve owned flashed before my eyes.

Braced for impact, I couldn’t believe the gate lifted out of the way at the very last possible millisecond. It still doesn’t seem possible and can only be courtesy of a Festivus Miracle.

Twenty minutes later I returned for the meeting and was nervous about checking in at the guard house. “What if he recognizes me as the nut that had just zoomed by earlier?”

I contemplated changing my name and wearing my shades, but he said nothing which just proves they will let any maniac in.

Lucky Winner

My plan was to grab my order and quickly return home before my frozen foods thaw.

Sneaking into the meeting, I made my way over to where the girls were busily watering 9 tiny potted plants. I had arrived just in time for the drawing determining which girl would take these home for 2 weeks and care for them. Can you guess who the lucky winner was?

daisy plant project

This picture is less about showing you what I'm in charge of and more about remembering what they looked like in case I need to replace them.

“Oh…I kill plastic plants. Are you sure?” I nervously mentioned as I accepted this honor. The troop leader laughed and asked if they should redraw a name.

“No no that’s OK. I’ll set the alarm on my iPhone to remember.”

After going over some camping paperwork, the discussion turned to cookies. It began with my excitedly asking, “When do cookie order forms go out?” and ended with me being “Cookie Mom”. Only after receiving this title did I learn about the four weekends of booth duty. I seriously don’t know what happened…I was in a volunteer-spirit-induced stupor and said “I’ll do it.” It came spilling out before I had time to rethink that commitment. I mean think.

With melting groceries waiting in my car, I waited 10 more minutes while the girls made my daughter get well cards.

What I got:

Responsibility for the plants, 10 sticky get well cards covered in glitter glue, the title of “Cookie Mom”, and melting groceries.

What I didn’t get?

The two things I went out for of course. The fundraiser order wasn’t at the meeting and the milk had a giant leak by the time it arrived at the refrigerator.

Ever wished you’d just stayed home because nothing went right?

Community Network Meme 2011

community network meme

I don’t usually do memes because I can’t even pronounce the word correctly. This leads to the fear that someone will ask me what I’m doing today. Rather than saying it correctly, I mumble “mrrmmsm” followed by panicked pointing while shouting “Hey there’s a cute puppy!” to distract them because that works every time.

I barely knew what it was when I participated in my first meme last year. It was like I said “Yea sure I’ll go deep sea diving. I know what I’m doing because I own a figurine of a dolphin.”

It turned out to be one of the most enjoyable experiences I’ve had as a blogger because I met some great writers, so I’m really looking forward to blog hopping today.

I present you with the 2nd installment of Tom Baker’s Community Network Meme 2011 where I have to answer twenty questions, most of which came from Cherlyn Cochrane of Over A Cup of Coffee who I just adore. Enjoy.

  1. As a blogger, what do you draw inspirations from for your posts?
    Everyday life. Stuff seems to just happen to me. I’m a Murphy’s Law test dummy.

    Turns out it also comes in handy for forcing good behavior. More than once I’ve avoided situations by shrieking, “Don’t make me blog about this!”

  2. If you could swap blogs with another blogger for a post, who would you switch with and why?
    Greg from Telling Dad. We both have 3 kids almost the same age and have similar experiences. I could practically plagiarize his whole blog and it would be relevant…except the muscles part…oh and the owning a fire truck…and the fact that he’s more glamorous. I think it’s the hat. It’s hard to compete with that professional-model-ish pout that oozes coolness.
  3. If your blog had a theme song, what would it be? Why?
    “Drop it Like It’s Hot” for many reasons.

    • Because I drop so many things including myself.
    • Because I like to torture my children dancing to that song.
    • Who doesn’t want Snoop Dogg doing their theme song?

    When I first looked at the above shot of Snoop Dog, I thought, “Wow! He has a huge tongue! And has been eating a purple popsicle!” A few minutes later I realized “Ohhhhh it’s his chin and beard.” Anyone else see it that way?

    This explains why I can’t see the image in those 3D eye puzzles that you have to stare at a dot in the middle.

  4. What is your writing process for a post?
    After realizing no one is going to invent a brain-to-wordpress plugin that you can export stories directly without the need of a USB connection (cough cough…Andy), I just sit and rattle off what’s on my mind. Then I let it sit for a few hours before rewriting most of it. The first pass just gets my mind working like the first pot of coffee.
  5. Your blog requires a cute, new, mascot – what would it be?
    Sock monkeyThat’s easy. A sock monkey.

    He already takes over a big portion of my life entertaining my six year old so he might as well have a job. Right?

    He accompanied my daughter and me to The Muppet movie last week.

  6. Do you feel you express your “true self” on your blog?
    Absolutely. It is 98% me with 10% embellishment on occasion to make me look cool. To distract you from the math…here is a cute puppy. ——————->
  7. What is your biggest online pet-peeve?
    Just filtering out spam.

    Apparently my post about botching the Thanksgiving turkey (“Why Cooking A Turkey is Like Being in a Horror Film…or at an OB-GYN office“) helped numerous people on their school research projects, which leaves me confused at what they could be writing about. I’m going to assume they are going to “school” in their pajamas.

  8. If you could live in a fictional universe, where would you live? Why?
    I would live where everyone played Call of Duty as their job under a palm tree at the beach, and robots did all the work. There would also be bottomless coffee pots and trees that drop dark chocolate bars (the good kind).

    Always in need of a few more hours in the day, I’m going to insist on 30hr days on my planet so I have time to dust. Oh I need more sleep too, so let’s make it 35hr days. Wait robots are doing all the work. Agh! This is too many decisions for me. I’m just going to move to Kelley’s Breakroom because she always has cool stuff there.

  9. You’re having a bad day, you’re upset, you’re angry, or you’re sad – what is your go-to comfort?
    My kids are my comfort. They have the ability to make worries melt away in laughter. Reading my favorite humor blogs for a chuckle or an hour of xbox will also cure anything.
  10. What is your favorite inspirational quote?

    “Have a sense of humor about life – you will need it. And be courteous.”
    – Peter Jennings

    I think that sums up everything you need to know about life. The world would be a better place if people followed this simple advice.

  11. If they were to make a movie based on your life, who would play you, your leading lady/man, your best friend, and your rival?
    I would want Jennifer Aniston to play me because she plays a good bumbling klutz and makes it look cute. If you read my blog then you know Brad Pitt would HAVE to be the leading man…but that could cause some problems with those two so I will leave out a leading man.

    My best friends would be played by Sandra Bullock, Kristen Wig and Taylor Lautner (Yes he’s eye candy! It’s my movie!).

    I would also like Kermit the Frog though I have no idea who he is suppose to be. Maybe my imaginary friend.

    Glen Close is so good at playing evil roles, she would have to be my rival.

    Don’t We Look Fabulous

    my movie

  12. Do you think the world is going to end in 2012?
    No, but I imagine a few political careers will. Oh yea that is every year. Wait a second! Why would it be ending in 2012? Is there something I don’t know about? I get all my news from Bikini Bottom and don’t recall there being a topic on this. Should I be hording essentials like coffee, Sun Chips, and Spanx?
  13. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?
    I would want super charged energy to work out more. I now realize just owning a yoga DVD doesn’t do anything. I’m slowly getting there since my 6 year old and I are doing a daily fitness challenge together and walking to the mailbox doesn’t count.
  14. What is your favorite season and why?
    Summer because I’m a warm weather person that doesn’t like when the temperature drops below 70. Bundling up in layers of clothes makes me feel stiff, uncomfortable, and unproductive.

    Summer brings with it a kick-your-shoes-off, laid-back attitude. My solution for staying in a summer frame-of-mind all year round? Wearing flip flops.

  15. You’ve been bitten by a vampire. Would you fight it with all your undead being or would you embrace it for all it is worth?
    Embrace it! Then run out immediately to purchase a cape.

    (I’m team Jacob…so I would prefer to be a werewolf thank you.)

  16. Have you personally met any of your blogger friends?
    No. There are many I would love to hang out with. I would skip the mascara because I would be laughing too hard over lunch. Who am I kidding? I don’t even own mascara.

    There are so many similarities between a few of us that I swear we’re related.

  17. What does your favorite pair of underwear look like?
    lace free zoneHmm…favorite? It is just a necessity and I can’t confirm that I could ID it in a lineup. I didn’t know there was going to be a test like this or I would have purchased something exciting to write about.

    Itchy is not sexy. That’s my motto and all I can share about this subject. There’s nothing to see here…please move along.

  18. Have you ever drank something right from the container in the refrigerator knowing other people will have to drink out of the same container later?
    No. I’m a germaphobe that way.
  19. What is your favorite word and explain why?
    AWESOME. Who doesn’t love anything awesome? Everyone should try to put some awesome in their life on a daily basis.
  20. 2011 is soon coming to a close, is there anything you’d like to do different on your blog in the year 2012?
    Write more. I’ve been extremely overwhelmed with too much to do. I would like to learn to say “no” more often and focus on the things I truly love rather than spreading myself thin. I’m changing my phone number.

You are still here? Now go meet some new people:

2011 Community Network Meme Participation List

Betwixt And Between
Insignificant At Best
Kay At The Keyboard
Words Fall From My Eyes
Courage To Change
Jackie Paulson ~Writer
I Shall Be A Toad
Over A Cup Of Coffee
Morpho Designs
Broken Sparkles
Curiosity Killed The KAT
Life Of Carbon
Walking The Labyrinth
Conch Saladesque
Blue Jellybeans
Disjointed Rhymings
The Real Sharon’s Blog
How Can I Complain?
Morning Erection <-- Thanks so much Tom!!!!!!!!! 2tha9s

String Theory, Albert Einstein, and My Floor

Am I the only one that thought this company was ScanDisk?

SanDiskIt’s SAN not SCAN. I have no less than 15 of these things floating around in various electronics, and I would have bet money on the name…and lost. Which explains why I don’t gamble and why I began to question all that I thought I knew about the world around me.

I have more than you.

Strange things are happening at my house, and my dusty, science thinking-cap (if you can call it that) was reinstated in order to sleuth out an explanation.

Usually having more of something is a good thing not to mention bragging rights. This is not the case.

I have a surplus of gravity at my house.

In a world full of fascinating scientific-breakthroughs, I never imagined I would find myself in the middle of a NOVA episode, and I’m not sure what to wear. Things fall to the floor way above the national average on a daily basis in a Bermuda Triangle type phenomenon. No boring statistical charts are necessary to uncover the facts.

Observances of this physical phenomena

On any given day you can find 4-10 pens/pencils laying on the floor around the house. I’ve never been to anyone else’s home and seen a pen on the floor, so simple logic dictates that something different is happening here.

People aren’t just walking through the house and dropping a pen without noticing. Right?

This is clearly closely-related to string theory, the persistent clinging of strings to the floor, sweaters and the dog.

The Stronger pull of gravity explains many things:

Why lying on my side on the floor innocently playing Barbies with little one looks more like a nap. I simply cannot fight gravity that close to the epicenter of strength.

Why I’m so sore from my workout yesterday and can barely lift my legs. Laughing? Well you try doing squats with extra gravity. It’s like adding 15lb weights in your hands.

Towels that ever so slightly overhang the shelf are pulled to the bottom of the linen closet in mass quantities.

I’m beginning to understand what Sheldon is talking about in “Big Bang Theory“.

Whiter Towels

F = G(mass1*mass2)/D squared.
OK everyone get out your Physics textbooks and turn to page 55 please.
Note: There is no college credit available for reading this article.

albert einstein

Oh the irony that his hair defies the laws of gravity.

Einstein’s theory of relativity predicted that objects with great mass deform space around them, causing light to deflect into them.

This explains why the bathroom’s linen closet is a mess (deformed space) and why my towels are looking brighter (light deflected into them).

Suddenly it all makes sense.

Got extra gravity?

Booking A Free Workout

workoutOuch! Lowering myself into the desk chair is painful. Two days into recovery from the workout at the new gym, I’m happy to report it’s not only working…it’s FREE!

Free Workouts

You probably have one, too, just down the street and didn’t even realize it. I took the one hour squat class and am now limited to an upright position in order to avoid using the Quads and Gluts that are currently on fire. This means if something falls on the floor, I either leave it or endure teasing when I ask for assistance from people closer to the ground.

If you’re wondering, “Where is this free gym?” it is located in the library of your local elementary school. Go shelve books for an hour.

Due to the misleading name, I erroneously chose the advanced class called “Easy Reader”. The limited height of the shelves in this section coupled with the size of its readers results in 90% of the books being selected from the bottom shelf.

Ten minutes into shelving I was feelin’ the burn. This lead to desperate attempts to avoid the constant squatting by:

  • Sitting on the floor. This was only good for 2 books at a time and rendered useless.
  • Attempting a weird adaptation of the yoga Warrior pose to avoid bending more than one leg at a time while risking teetering off balance.

Here’s what it looks like doing Library Yoga:

library yoga


The lessons learned:

  • Go for the non-fiction. Despite the intimidation of finding 735.445 on the shelve, it is easier in the long run.
  • Don’t mess with the librarian. She’s in great shape.

How to Fall Out of a Car Gracefully

A Guide on Playing Off Embarrassing Moments in Life

Soooooo…a few weeks back I got the call that my car was ready at the shop. Excitedly I zipped over to my favorite gas station, the one with the fast pumps, to put gas back in the rental car.

Used to stepping DOWN from my SUV, I believe it was the awkwardness of the lower vehicle combined with my dangerous flip flops that caused the following scenario to occur.

Getting out to pump gas

arrive at gas station

My flip-flop gets caught and I tumble out of the car

It was in slow motion to make sure all saw...

Laying flat on the ground between the pump and my car.

laying by the gas pump

If you ever find yourself in this predicament, this is the point where you attempt to look like you were checking a leak under your car and are lying on the ground completely on purpose.

Then stand up, check for bloody knees, and proceed to pump gas as if that did not just happen. It’s all in the execution of looking purposeful.

A quick glance around made me think I had actually gotten away with it. I was on the end pump, and no one seemed to be paying attention. I began pumping gas and lowered my sunglasses onto my face like no one would recognize me. My knees were burning as they were scraped and a giant bruise was already blackening on my palm where I caught myself.

Then I heard it…

“Are you OK?”

Turning to look behind me, I see a pleasant looking gentleman sitting in his car where he had been putting air in his tires.

I turned and did a wave while saying, “I’m fine thanks!”

SHOOT! Well I was until I realized someone had seen it.

CREDIT FOR MY STICK FIGURENESS: I snagged one of my 6 year old’s drawings of me after giving up on her ever drawing the figure I requested for this article. My artist on staff is unreliable, especially when sitting next to a pumpkin full of candy.

Ever fallen out of your car?

What’s Your Theme Song?

theme music for lifeThis morning while my daughter sat in the car waiting for me to take her to school, I dramatically strutted to the car with “Stayin’ Alive” blasting from my iPhone. I believe everyone should have theme music surrounding them like a live clip from a movie. As soon as I got in the car, I realized my keys were inside and proceeded to complain how my whole entrance was now ruined.

You have to love a child that tells you to wait in the doorway while she cues up your song…and…ok…wait for it…ok now go. Returning to the car to my music again the scene was saved.

We giggled thinking how shoppers in the grocery store isle would react to us strutting down the aisle for a bag of sugar. “You’d have to try it,” she challenged. It is tempting, but it would have to be in a city I don’t live in for both our reputations’ sake. I love this girl who is my partner in absolute craziness.

What is my song?

She and I try to pick ringtone songs that match the person. She of course is Lady Gaga, and so what did she pick for me?

Madonna? No.
Coldplay? No.
Sexy and I Know It by LMFAO? Yes! What?

Imagine her hanging out with a group a friends when “I’m Sexy and I Know It” plays from her phone. As she reaches to answer she mentions “Oh that’s my Mom calling.” I guess I should take this as a compliment?

This image amused her until the day I actual DID call and her friends were standing around. I heard a whispered, panicked voice say “OMG I forgot I had that ring tone! I was standing in the middle of the gym!”

Songs Make You Feel

It is funny how songs emit a personality, spirit, and mood like nothing else. One push of a button and your mood can sway in the opposite direction simply based on some notes.

Music fills my house

Here is the part where I do a little mom bragging so excuse me.
My son plays piano and violin, but my daughter plays piano, violin, drums, electric guitar, and now saxophone. She also annoyingly plays the kitchen counter if that counts. There are days where my house sounds more like a jazz club, and I love it! Jamming out to her playing Guns N’ Roses’ Sweet Child O’ Mine on the guitar, I’m her biggest fan.

After having the saxophone for only 2 months, here she is in last night’s duet with a friend. They both learned the song by ear…no music. I present “Stereo Hearts” by Gym Class Heroes. When she’s famous one day, you can say you saw her here first.

My good friend Karen mentioned that she is looking forward to our having front row seats to something in the future as my musician rocks a stage somewhere. I’ll being looking for that shirt that says “I’m With the Band” that I can tie up in a knot on the side all “groupie” style.

What is your theme song?

No Comb Necessary

combs missingMany mornings begin with a child uttering this plea for assistance: “Mom, I need a comb.” If I only had back the hours I’ve wasted tracking them down.

The State of Mom recognizes this has escalated into a pressing economic issue. Buying in bulk only makes them disappear faster.

“Why so many combs?” questioned the drug store clerk this weekend as four combs and two brushes fell from my arms onto the counter.

“My children have issues with keeping up with them. I suspect they are eating them.”

“You should mention they aren’t disposable.”

“I assure you they aren’t being thrown away. They don’t even know how to use the trash can.”

From the dusty depths of their secret location, a stockpile of 30-50 combs anxiously await the day they are discovered. Despite my best efforts, I can’t figure out where they are going.

My daily rant: “One day we will move from here and find hundred of combs behind furniture.”

So today, the State of Mom enacted a new law which requires prospective comb owners to take an oath. Each child received the following:

On my honor I will try
To keep up with my comb.

I will not leave it in the kitchen, in the refrigerator, on the living room floor, or any other location other than the bathroom counter where it belongs.

Breaking the aforementioned agreement above will result in a replacement-cost fine. Estimated value $3.00.

An additional surcharge of $5 will also be collected and placed in a fund towards Mom’s future therapy which will be necessary if the lost comb issue continues.

If you are able to find the hidden stash of 30 or so lost combs, the $5 surcharge will happily be refunded; and you will receive the coveted title of Child of the Day for a 24 hour period.

If you are caught in possession of a comb that is not yours, you will be assigned mopping duty for the week.

After proving yourself by keeping up with a comb for a four-week period, you will be eligible for a status upgrade. Responsible Owner II entitles you the opportunity to possess a brush, too.

I agree to the terms and conditions of this contract.

Signature of Child

Upon receipt of this signed document, a comb with your name on it will be issued immediately.

Faced with a contract to sign, their urgency in having a new comb disappeared completely.

The sixteen year old son miraculously found his comb, and returned the sheet unsigned. He also corrected 3 grammatical errors. No comb issued.

The teenage daughter noted that technically it didn’t cover her keeping a comb in her room, so she couldn’t sign it. Form returned. No comb issued. Since she already had the brush she stole from me, she didn’t need one anyway.

I had to read the document to the six year old. She didn’t seem to understand most of it…that is until the part about “Child of the Day”.

“Child of the Day? What is THAT?” Suddenly interested, she perked up and awaited the news about this fantastic title she wasn’t aware of before now.

“It’s just a title. No perks. It’s never actually been awarded before so I don’t know.”

She quickly grabbed the pen and signed her name. I think she was confused and thought she was signing for a title because she ran off without her comb.

Titles do work. Taking a cue from big business techniques, I’m busily creating some must-have titles. If promoted in the right way, Laundry King, Recycle Princess, and Captain Dishwasher might just do the trick.

What object goes missing at your house?

UPDATE (10-31-11): My A/C guy found a comb in my driveway. He said “Weren’t you just saying you had a issue with combs?”

Driver Error or Plain Bad Luck?

car towIs there anything more frustrating than car troubles?

This morning I bid my car farewell as it began its short journey to the dealership for repair. It was my first experience having a car towed. Other than the good-looking tow truck driver, it wasn’t as exciting as I imagined.

Last night the girls and I piled in the car to attend my son’s orchestra concert, and when I turned the key I got a frying electronic sound, a spark, and no engine coming on. Two more attempts produced the same results.

These things only happen:

  1. After car places are closed for the night.
  2. When I have a packed schedule of places to be.

I Need A Rental Car

Patiently waiting in line, turns out I was behind the area manager for Starbucks. After mentioning my addiction to that place, I informed him that I own at least 2 chairs at my local shop.

Taking pity on me (I guess because of my addiction issue), the Enterprise rental manager gave me a free upgrade to an SUV. Sweet! Happy to have access to a car again, I headed off to run a few errands.

Noob Driver Alert

Immediately I noticed the engine was revving up to 6 RPM before struggling to shift to the next gear. Since I wasn’t driving a race car, I thought that was kind of odd and considered turning around. Instead I went to the grocery store and took the dog to the groomers.

An hour later I was convinced there was something seriously wrong with the transmission, so I returned to the rental office.

“I think something is wrong with the car,” I stated while handing back the keys.

With all the gentleness of a Kindergarten teacher, he replied “You might be driving it wrong.”

“Really?” How could I be driving it wrong? I have over 25 years of driving experience under my belt.

At his request, I got in the car and put it in drive.

“You are in manual mode.”

“What? Manual?”

I learned to drive using a stick shift and drove one for about 10 years. Arriving at the DMV as a teen, I found the instructor bewildered because no one ever shows up in a manual for their license test. Needless to say I only had to drive half the course before he stamped “PASS” on my file.

manual automatic driveTurns out some new cars have a manual mode. I was in first gear…all morning long…about 25 miles worth of errands. Nicccceeeee. I felt sooooo stupid.

See the +/- on the left. That’s the manual section.

This is a public service announcement. If this saves one experienced driver from feeling like they are 16 again, my job is done.

I’m trying to understand when you would want to be in manual mode unless you live in the Rocky Mountain area.

Grabbing my shades, I’m off to test out manual mode and rev up the engine in my cool sports car. Can’t you just see this soccer mom car peeling away at a light?
kia suv

P.S. I’m taking applications for a best friend who is also a mechanic. This is due to the fact that dealership called to tell me my car arrived safely…and started right up.

Am I the only one that didn’t know about this?

Stepping on the Daisies

daisy dollTonight was little one’s first Daisy meeting. I didn’t know there was anything in Girl Scouts before Brownies. Daisies are K-1st graders, and she’s been counting down the days for a week.

Making First Impressions

Being the first one there, I introduced myself to the troop leader and proceeded to become her least favorite parent.

Offhandedly mentioning that I wasn’t aware of this level of scouts, I recounted my days as a Girl Scout and Cadet (the middle school version). According to my experience, Cadets do not wear their uniform to school on meeting days but instead covertly stand behind a tree until Mom leaves the carpool drop off lane at which time they cram the vest into a back pack. This is called smart planning to avoid getting beaten up.

Her snarled, annoyed response to my story was “It’s only as cool as you make it.”

At this point I realized she was saying that for the benefit of her close-to-middle-school-aged daughter that was sitting on the couch behind me. Attempting a recovery, I quickly mentioned “I loved the cooking badges.”

Since she was never a girl scout herself, I forgive her for the lack of first hand experience with this horror. I’m sorry but there is no making that sash cool in middle school. That girl is going thank me one day for my wisdom.

Boy was I glad to see my friend walk in the door so I could leave that conversation behind.

It’s all about the cookies

Amazed at not having been thrown out, I sat on one of the couches, and the meeting began. Raising my hand to ask the most important question, I was thrilled to hear that we would be selling Girl Scout cookies. Whoo hooooooo!! My son later asked if that meant we could purchase with a discount. Sadly that isn’t how it works.

I hate camping.

Not a fan. My idea of camping is a tent in the living room and me not in it. I like electricity and don’t find it relaxing to act out pioneer days.

My dislike of camping ironically stems from childhood experiences at Girl Scout camp. The brochure would have described it as:

Enjoy a rain-filled weekend in a mosquito-infested, muddy campsite featuring a three hour terrifying tour of the inside of the car during a record-breaking lightning storm.

Your taste buds will delight in a non-melted s’more cooked over a wet bonfire.

Experience chaffing from wearing wet clothes while hanging up clothes to dry on our state-of-the-art clothes line.

Wait till you see our latrine! Doesn’t it just sound fancy?

With all the fun included, it is hard to believe you also take home with a BONUS camping badge for the back of your vest where your long hair will cover it for the next two years.

Worth it?

Absolutely not.

So you can imagine my horror when I scanned the agenda’s list of upcoming events and saw the word “CAMPING”. I started eyeing the exit door options and plotting an escape plan until I learned that Daisies aren’t allowed to camp overnight. Great! They only go from 7am until 7pm. What? 12 hours? I’m a one hour and go kinda camper. I made a mental note to plan a “vacation” for that day. “Sorry we have plans that weekend. Darn because I was really looking forward to that.”

After forking over $44 in cash, I was handed a vest and a stack of patches. Back in the day, everything required sewing on patches by hand. Thank goodness for the invention of iron-on patches because I’m about as handy with a needle and thread as an elephant.

Little one couldn’t wait to get home to transform the plain vest to the patched version, so I warmed up the iron and spent the next ten minutes getting them out of the vacuum-sealed containers.

How hard could they be to iron on?

The first patch was a breeze.

The second ended up turned at a 45 degree angle. Crap!
daisies try 1
The more I looked at it, the more I knew that was not going to pass inspection and we were going to get kicked out. Luckily you can reheat the patch and unstick it.

With attempt number two, I only managed to reverse the problem.
daisies patch try 2

Third time is the charm…I think. At this point I can’t even tell if that is straight or not.

Next meeting she will earn the center of the daisy patch for reciting:

The Girl Scout Promise
On my honor, I will try:
To serve God and my country,
To help people at all times,
And to live by the Girl Scout Law.

With all eyes on her, I envision my little girl nervously rambling the chorus to Lady Gaga’s Judas by accident.

I hope we can hang in there until the cookies arrive in February/March.

No Book For You

school libraryAnyone can get a library card from the county library. In fact, I’m 95% sure the dog could check out a copy of “How To Slump On The Floor All Day: A Guide For Everyday Canine Living,” but he doesn’t need it.

Over the years, trips with the kids were predictable:

  • Pay for the lost book
  • Checkout 15 books
  • Repeat and rinse the next week

In stark contrast the elementary school library requires Kindergarteners to go through four training sessions on how to use the library and take care of a book.

Here is my abbreviated 30 second version:

  • Select a book.
  • Check out a book.
  • Take care of the book.
  • Return the book.

During required library training, the excited Kindergarteners are drilled on the procedures of check out as if attempting to obtain top secret security clearance.

“Once you have been issued your credentials you will be able to check out top secret documents that you must guard with your life. Offenders will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”

Busily shelving books during one of the training sessions, I giggled while listening to the lesson about not placing a drink or food next to a book. One observant boy raised his hand and noted his concern about the cup of coffee the Media Specialist had set atop the bookshelf full of 100s of books. Touche.

You get the feeling that if they don’t follow exact procedures, they will hear “No Book For YOU!”

I pictured them cautiously approaching the checkout desk, sweat dripping down their forehead as they await the verdict that all rules were sufficiently met.

This week the class walked out of the library as newly-licensed agents of reading. With terrified looks, they securely grasped books in their hands.

Some mentioned they were too afraid to touch the book and read it for fear of bending a page. Frightened minds were cluttered with visions of sitting on a couch innocently reading the book when a large Coke appears out of thin air and spills on the cover.

Yesterday little one skipped happily into the house and announced she had checked out her first library book.

“Let’s read it now,” I suggested.

“You mean take it out of my book bag? I can’t get food or drink on it,” she nervously reminded me.

“I know. It will be fine.”

“Don’t breath on it.”

It was if I had asked her to take the Mona Lisa out of her bag and remove it from its protective container so I could color on it.

Turns out she has the special knack of selecting the most boring book in the library that was obviously mistakenly published as children’s literature. Offering all the excitement of my college Economics textbook, it contained old English mixed with vocabulary targeting an audience of Philosophy Ph.D.s, and even I couldn’t pronounce or understand some of the words.

Paging Dr. Suess…

The book was carefully returned to the book bag for a safe journey back to school.

At this point I noticed my good cookbook on the floor being used as a Barbie skateboard ramp. I wonder if the Media Specialist makes house calls.